Viewing entries in
Social-Political

5 Comments

Announcing... my free, "open source" comedy book

Today, I unveil my new series of free books known as the MoJo Quarterly. I published a "real" book in 2004 and have sold about 1,000 in the past two years. With the new books, I'm taking an "open source" approach to publishing. How fast can I reach 1,000 distributed? I just want people to read it. The money will come later. Below, I explain what a MoJo is, why the book is free, how you're allowed to use it and how you friggin GET it! If you're super impatient, just get it now What's a MoJo? "MoJos" are what I call "momentary jokes" or jokes that are current events-based and fade with time. For example: "New research shows that 56 percent of Americans take at least one prescription drug, which means the other 44 percent suffer needlessly from erectile dysfunction, obesity and feelings." What's in this book? The first book, Keep Jerry Falwell Away From My Oreo Cookies, contains over 100 MoJos and seven essays that readers helped select during January 2006. The essays include:
  • How do you say "Yes, Massa" in Chinese?
  • I'll be a Black conservative for $240,000 dollars
  • A final solution for the religious right... but not in a holocaust-y way
  • and more...
Nearly 50 people helped select which essays would go in the book based on my web survey, so thanks to all of you. Why quarterly? The goal is to put out three quarterly versions plus a year-in-review edition each year. I'm constantly writing MoJos and essays / articles / columns, so this is a good way to keep the publications current. What do you mean free? What is this "open source"? First, it means that the book is free. No charge. Zero dollars or euros or kopeks or rand. It's like Linux for my comedy material. Second, it means I encourage you to...
  • copy, distribute, display and perform the work
  • make derivative works
...provided you ATTRIBUTE THE WORK TO ME, your actions are NON-COMMERCIAL and you SHARE YOUR DERIVATIONS WITH THE SAME CONDITIONS. For attribution, I prefer "baratunde.com" but will accept another form if you run it by me first. I've chosen a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike-2.5 license. If you want to use the material for commercial purposes, please contact me via publishing-at-kinglycompanion.com Why have you chosen free? Because I have nothing to lose. At this point in my career, I don't need the $3 - $5 per book sold. What I really need is for people to know and love my material. The money will come later and in other forms. Pay me to come to your college or host your event, for example. I'm really good. Check out some of my YouTube videos I do also accept Paypal donations if you want to toss me a few bucks for making you laugh for free:
I just want the work out there, and I can't do that all by myself. So, I want you to download the book, email it to your friends, post my jokes on your bulletin board at the office or sell coffee mugs with MoJos on them. Now, let me talk about the non-commercial piece. I'm not against people making money off my material. I just want to be able to keep track of it and possibly get a small percentage cut. If you have ideas for commercial use of MoJo Quarterly material, please contact me via publishing-at-kinglycompanion.com. I'll allow it on a case-by-case basis. Where can I get the damn book?!?! Electronic copies (in PDF format) designed for on-screen reading and basic printing can be downloaded here I will also be distributing print copies, for free, at all of my standup gigs and other public appearances such as Drinking Liberally, and I will leave copies in select locations, starting in the Boston area, such as cafes, barbershops and Homeland Security waiting rooms. You can check my public calendar for dates and locations to grab a copy. Let me know in advance, and I'll make sure to reserve one for you. If you'd like to print copies to distribute yourself, contact me, and I'll send you the booklet-designed print file along with instructions for assembly (i.e. trim lines, print layout settings, etc). How can I tell you how tight this idea is? Leave a comment on this article. I'll be watching, and if you have feedback, ideas, suggestions or hate-filled vitriol, you can leave that here too.

5 Comments

Comment

Google disses the Federales

Update 6:40pm ET: I found a much better explanation of everything from SearchEngineWatch.com. This guy clearly has more time than me. After Google refused a government subpeona for access to its users' search patterns, the Bush administration has asked a federal judge to order Google to comply. In response, Google announced its latest product: Google Government (Beta), which it said would live by the company's motto: don't be evil. Ok now for a more serious look at this. Here are some quotes from the story.
Nicole Wong, an associate general counsel for Google, said the company will fight the government's effort ``vigorously.'' ``Google is not a party to this lawsuit, and the demand for the information is overreaching,'' Wong said.
Yay, Google!!
The government argues that it needs the information as it prepares to once again defend the constitutionality of the Child Online Protection Act in a federal court in Pennsylvania. The law was struck down in 2004 because it was too broad and could prevent adults from accessing legal porn sites. However, the Supreme Court invited the government to either come up with a less drastic version of the law or go to trial to prove that the statute does not violate the First Amendment and is the only viable way to combat child porn.
Guess what the government chose? Trial baby!
The government indicated that other, unspecified search engines have agreed to release the information, but not Google. ... Google has the largest share of U.S. Web searches with 46 percent, according to November 2005 figures from Nielsen//NetRatings. Yahoo is second with 23 percent, and MSN third with 11 percent.
The gov is arguing that it needs to prove how many times people find child porn online to defend its online child protection act which was struck down in 2004. The gov says it has the cooperation of other search engines but not Google. The gov says it needs Google in because G has 46% of the search engine market. The gov is full of poo. They don't know jack about stats!! You don't need to know everyone's behavior. Just use the sellout search engines who gave up their customers' privacy as a sample. I'm sure its representative of the whole, unless they thing Google searchers are just way more into porn.

Comment

Comment

Hello 2006. Now can we please kill the music industry?

It's official. I want the traditional music industry to go completely out of business. I want their offices emptied. I want their executives out on the street making ends meet by selling bootleg copies of the artists they've ripped off. What makes this such an urgent plea, and why is this my first message of the year? Coldplay. Today, Coldplay's new single was released, and it comes with a lot of so-called DRM or "digital rights management" which prevents even reasonable use of the CD. There's a great article over at Boing Boing which explains the restrictions, but if you're lazy, just check out the insert in the CD right here: Why oh why do the record labels hate artists and fans? They're suing listeners, installing malicious software on CDs like Sony did, and hurting artists by associating them with evil, short-sighted, greedy methods like this Coldplay thing. It just makes no sense. Coldplay is probably big enough that they don't even need a record label anymore. They should break their contract right now, and whatever the fine is, I'm sure their fans would be happy to cover it. I'll gladly chip in $20 to liberate enslaved artists from the shackles of extreme greed and corporate selfishness. But what about newer artists? They don't have the clout to just walk away, and the restrictive CDs can only hurt them as young fans turn away. New artists will need to plan for the demise of big daddy and seek new distribution and hopefully new ways to make money. The signs of the declining empire are unavoidable. So here's one of my big wishes for 2006. I want the already declining industry to slide further. Let them keep alienating their customers and artists. Let them try to screw with the iTunes pricing model which has been a lone bright spot. They are becoming less and less relevant. You know, the milk man doesn't exist anymore, but I still have no problem getting milk. So long big labels. Enjoy your last hours.

Comment

Comment

ArmaGoogle

It all makes sense. Google is the anti-Christ I have almost completed the Left Behind series, and I know an anti-Christ when I see one. The anti-Christ will promise peace and will be a great deceiver. Google's motto is "Don't be evil." How clever! What a great mis-direction. Google is doing everything possible. They say they want to "organize the world's information" but that's just fancy Silicon Valley code language for "opposed the only begotten son of the Father." It's all to convenient. They're into search, email, blogging, advertising, e-commerce, instant messaging, Internet phone service and soon (I bet) national security and brain surgery. These people can't be trusted. But while you're on my blog, please click on the Google ads to on the main page.

Comment

Comment

You're Welcome, New York

Last night of the transit strike My mission succeeded. I promised the people of New York that I would bring an end to the strike upon my visit, and the next day the strike was called off!! I'm the man! It was actually pretty interesting going down to NYC on Wednesday. Due to a tip from a friend who told me how jacked up the roads were with traffic, I decided to take Amtrak from Boston on down. It was easier for me to get to Manhattan from Boston than from Brooklyn. One of my friends just got stranded over there. I stepped out of Penn Station around 7pm and started walking up 8th Ave toward my Laughing Liberally Lab gig on 45th. From the reports I expected a much more chaotic atmosphere. It wasn't like anarchy, yet I could just feel that something wasn't right. There were too many cars on the road and too many people on foot. It was as if the lunchtime rush was happening way after hours. I peeped a bunch of TV vans and police officers. The media just love this sort of thing. They treated the pedestrians like Olympic heroes: Reporters: "Wow sir, you just walked from 23rd St all the way to 34th! How did you do it? Did you think you'd make it? What do you plan to do now?" Walker: "I'm going to Disney World!" Yeah, there was a lot of extra movement, but like I said, it didn't feel as bad as I expected. Then I saw an image which made it clear that the situation was completely out of control. I saw a stretch Hummer limo full of regular cubicle-dwelling folks. There was no Cristal, no bling, no video hos -- just Joe and Jane Sixpack using any available form of transportation. When average peasants ride in a stretch Hummer on a Wednesday night, something is horribly wrong with the world. After witnessing said horror, I made it up to the show where we performed for just a handful of customers. But, as they say, the show must go on. We did a kickass job in fact, and I laughed my ass off at the other comics who all put in some good work: Katie Halper, Dean Obeidallah and an Aussie named Jaime something who wrote some hilarious songs including one about Dick Cheney called "The President of Vice." I'll probably be dropping by the Lab again in January before we do the big Town Hall show, so keep tuned in for announcements on both. Meanwhile, New Yorkers, you're welcome.

Comment

5 Comments

He really is the terminator

Gov. Arnold has denied clemency to Stanley "Tookie" Williams, who will be executed just after midnight tonight. I'll be brief on this subject. I am opposed to the death penalty and saddened by this development. As a general rule, I don't support the death penalty. First, it's application is grossly racist and unfair. Second, too many people have been freed from death row to guarantee that only the guilty are killed. Third, I don't believe the state should be in the business of murder. But I am especially opposed in the case of Tookie Williams. He is a founder of the notorious Crips gang and is in jail for four convicted murders. With that record, many have argued that he's just the sort for whom the death penalty was created. However, Williams has spent most of his time in prison dissuading young people from following in his footsteps. He's written a series of anti-gang children's books which are popular around the world. He has helped broker truces among L.A. gangs. He was actually nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. He has used his time in prison, not only to turn his life around, but to prevent others from getting to the point where they need to turn there's around. Those arguing against clemency have said he needs to die in order to show young gang bangers and would-be criminals that crime doesn't pay, and that there's an ultimate price for such violations, but Tookie's turnaround is a far better example than his murder. I'm sure the famiies of those he's convicted of killing would love to see him die, but that's a form of grief and vengeance, and should not be confused with justice. I was watching Bill O'Reilly last week (because my faith in humanity had risen to uncontrollable heights and needed tempering), and he suggested that all criminals would now start writing books and preaching against gang violence in order to escape the death penalty. What's the problem with that??? There are too many black men and boys in prison to begin with. Granting clemency to Tookie Williams doesn't let a single on of them out, but alive he has more power to prevent thousands from going in in the first place.

5 Comments

6 Comments

How do you say "Yes, Massa" in Chinese?

There is much to fear as an American today. The Muslims are out to get us. Mexicans keep sneaking across our borders. The bird flu is coming, and God keeps trying to kill us with his floods. But none of these worry me as much as this headline I saw in the New York Times yesterday: "China Overtakes U.S. as Supplier of Information Technology Goods." My mom was always interested in learning a Chinese language and tried to come up with ways to visit the country nearly until her last days on this Earth. I always thought she was just intrigued by the people, but the more I think on it, the more I'm sure she was planning to welcome our new overlords in their native tongue when they inevitably take over. The NY Times article was basically talking about how China has come a long way since it was known as a place to get low-end goods manufactured for cheap:
After almost a decade of explosive growth in its electronics sector, China has overtaken the United States as the world's biggest supplier of information technology goods... To some industry experts, the report is more evidence that China has made progress in its long-term plan to upgrade the capacity of its manufacturing as it strives to become a major economic power.
Every time I hear a U.S. official talking about China, they refer to it as a big pool full of a billion consumers of American goods, as if the people who invented paper have nothing better to do but anticipate the next Ford Vaporizer SUV. These people will buy stuff, but it's probably going to be stuff they make! China is developing and making higher quality goods and even getting into the design of products too. They're revamping their education system and are making serious investments in their infrastructure. The government is moving toward political reform, though very slowly. Plus, they're stealing our oil from the Middle East. Yes, our oil. It's not fair. We killed for it. Robber's keepers, losers weepers is what I always say. But the super scary part isn't all this. It's the damn military. More from the article:
China's military industry works closely with information technology companies and the government's research and development sector in what some analysts have described as a "digital triangle" that supports the country's rapid military modernization. "The People's Liberation Army is moving very quickly to adopt practically every information-related aspect of military technology that the U.S. is pursuing at this time," said Rick Fisher, vice president of the International Assessment and Strategy Center in Washington.
That's just great. Just perfect. One billion people. They'll be designing and making everything we use. They'll be driving my car. And they won't even speak English!! While we're busy developing the next "male enhancement" drug, China is busy reverse engineering 10 year old computer parts so they can design a space death ray! A death ray!!! Today, we complain about outsourcing. Tomorrow, young Americans will be rowing banana boats across the Pacific for the privilege of working illegally in China.

6 Comments

2 Comments

I'll Show You a War on Christmas

It almost goes without saying that the greatest quote of 2005 is, "Brownie, you're doin' a heck of a job." But I just read something which was almost as hot. If you haven't paid attention to the television, radio, newspapers, magazines, the blogosphere or podcast world, you might not have heard that America is engaged in four wars right now: The War in Afghanistan, The War in Iraq, The War on Terror and The War on Christmas. Go ahead, Google it. We liberals have gone too far. Our agenda has promoted the anti-Christian phrase "Happy Holidays" above the preferred "Feliz Cumpleano Jesus." First we free the slaves; then we let women vote; then we let the homos marry and now we attack the baby Jesus. We're horrible people who have declared War on Christmas. The religious right is really, really angry and are going after schools, demanding they call "Winter Break" "Christmas Break" instead. The biggest targets of their fury have been stores. "Holiday" sales really offend the conservative Christians who insist these be called "Christmas Sales." After all, Jesus died on the cross so we might all be forgiven our sins and save a bundle on plasma screen televisions. I actually remember that part in the Bible. Jesus is rappin with his homeboys, The Disciples, passing cups of blood and plates with his body and coupons redeemable at Shiloh's Steakhouse. Jesus loved him a bargain, which makes sense because he was Jewish. Oh wow. I never thought of it that way. I must share this theory with my many Jewish friends whose mere existence gives me license to write such inflammatory stereotypes. "So what's this hot quote?" you ask. Patience, gentle reader. I'm having fun. The White House is in trouble. It's not because of the three big wars I mentioned first, though. Nooo, the White House, who has close connections with Jesus' dad, recently caught some flack for sending out a generic "Happy Holiday Season" greeting card. People are flippin out over this, throwing away the White House cards, accusing the Bushes of not being Christian enough. Then I read this:
"I think it's more important to put Christ back into our war planning than into our Christmas cards," said the [National Council of Church's] general secretary, the Rev. Bob Edgar, a former Democratic congressman.
Give it up to Reverend Edgar! Seriously. Stop reading this for a moment, and show some love for the Reverend... Ok, welcome back. Conservatives love to make things up way too often. Usually it revolves around some kind of attack by liberals. It's so absurd, I'd prefer if we had fun with it. They say we don't support the troops. They say we undermine family values. Now, they say, we attack Christmas. Well, I say, let's really start doing these things, because at least then the titles would fit. Next time a soldier comes home from Iraq, send him a big "Fuck You, Troop" card and kick him in the face. We should actively destroy family values: plant lies within our neighbors homes, encourage incest, make kids work while parents spend all day watching TV. And we should really, really, attack Christmas. Let's drop a bomb on a manger in Bethlehem. That's what I call a war on Christmas. Or we could be these horrible people in another way entirely. Why don't we hate on the troops by sending them, underprepared into an unnecessary war, and then taunt their enemies. Family values? Let's cut food programs for children and put a cap on the minimum wage. Let's destroy family stability by imprisoning everyone we possibly can And Christmas! Oh, this is great. Let's turn that into a gigantic opportunity to buy and sell shit we don't need for people we don't like. Then we can cave. I'll start right now. Merry Christmas, religious right. This war is over. Only three more left.

2 Comments

Comment

Training at the Brooklyn Zoo: The Positive Side of Inner City Violence

Ok, I just saw sometihng jacked up on MSNBC. It turns out war medics headed to Iraq are training at the Kings County Hospital in the good ol' BKNY, not because the hospital has the best technology, but because it's the closest to a war zone the doctors can experience. The Army Reserve Colonel being interviewed kept reiterating that it was the multiple trauma victims Kings County handles which makes the hospital such an attractive training ground. The reporter was like "Oh, so it's not necessarily the medical training, but really the psychological preparation of such violent injuries which helps your team?" And Army man was all: "Yes ma'am." But never in the interview or story was it suggested that this is a horrible, sad, tragedy! Everyone on camera was chipper and happy: "And so when the impoverished and frustrated Colored folk are subsumed in a self-destructive cycle of violence, that's good for America? Yay!!!"

Comment

Comment

Dubya is drinkin again!

According to The National Enquirer (hey, some like Fox; I do the Enquirer), Dubya has fallen off the wagon after Katrina. So the president that invaded the wrong country, ignored pre-9/11 intelligence warnings and spends more time clearing brush than reading his briefs was the sober Dubya??? God help us.

Comment