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Mindlessness of Mencia


photo courtesy of 10b travelling via Flickr

I really can't stand Carlos Mencia. I saw the whole showdown between him and Joe Rogan about stealing material, but even before that, I just didn't like his comedy.

But now, now I hate the dude. He stole from Bill Cosby. How shamelessly insane is that? Thanks to comedian Elon James White for ruining my evening.


Carlos Mencia Stealing Jokes From Cosby - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

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Introducing The Whitest Man In The World!!

The Whitest Man Ever

photo courtesty of innerfire.nl

I wasn't regularly around white people until the 7th grade when I started going to Sidwell Friends, a private school in DC. It was a shocking cultural introduction. I learned that it was incorrect to "ax" people questions. I learned that a Bat Mitzvah is not a Batman-themed Halloween Party. And, I learned that white people possess a superhuman ability to withstand cold weather, as evidenced by completely insane winter wardrobe choices.

This final observation was reinforced when a friend sent me the following story today.

Dutch "Iceman" to climb Everest in shorts

KATHMANDU (AFP) - A Dutch daredevil is to tackle the world's highest peak wearing just boots, shorts, gloves and a cap, the expedition leader told AFP Wednesday

It's a white thing. I wouldn't understand.

It occurs to me we now have a way to finally settle the question of Barack Obama's blackness. If homey is caught this Winter jogging in shorts, he ain't black.

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Apple Fans are Racists and Rapists

photo via lakerae on Flickr I have blogged about many topics since the summer of 2004. I've addressed modern racism in America, Jerry Falwell's meddling with Oreo Cookies, and Dave Chappelle's "theft" of my joke. None of these, however, got as massive an immediate reaction as this morning's post "i hate the smugness of apple." Check out the comment section. The Situation I spent nearly two hours last night trying to install a set of software called Final Cut Studio. The process kept getting cut short, though. I'd get these messages that would pop up and say "There were errors installing this software. Please try again." There was no hint of what the problem might be. I was just told to "please try again." I did, and the same useless error message kept appearing. Each attempt to install took about 45 minutes. Anyone can see how this might be frustrating. I searched the apple support forums as the phone lines were closed at that hour. I became frustrated, and all I could think of were those "Get a Mac" ads. You know the ads. They're very popular. They're funny. They're cute. And, moreso than other advertising, they pissed me off. Those ads basically say that Macs never have problems. They never crash. They "just work." Only idiots would use PCs, according to these ads. Now, I'm a fan of technology, computers and Apple. I recommend Macs to friends seeking computer advice. I "got a mac" two years ago and have had a better experience with it than with prior PCs. I know computers well. I paid for college with a combination of software testing and advanced technical support jobs supporting PCs and Macs. I built a TiVo before there was such a thing as TiVo. I am not an idiot. But those damn ads bug me. They bug me in the same way elements of the Republican Party bug me. The Republican Party attempted and succeeded in identifying itself with religion and morality. To hear them tell it, if Jesus were alive, he'd be their party chairman. This attachment to a certain branch of Christian religion has served the party well. They've gotten ministers to promote their candidates and created a litmus test for purity that keeps all but the most sure-minded and thick-skinned of candidates from seeking nominations. But there is a cost. As I mentioned in the wake of the Mark Foley scandal:
When you present yourself as perfect, you are asking to be brought down by your inevitable imperfections. The Republicans made morality a partisan issue, and now they are getting what they deserve.
Apple has become increasingly aggressive in its attacks on Microsoft. That's cool. It's a marketing tactic, but the strategy is dangerously arrogant and, yes, smug. When you tell me your products don't crash, and then my computer crashes, or you say "unlike a pc, it just works" while I'm suffering from your well-documented "random shutdown syndrome," that poses a problem. You have set yourself up for an inevitable fall or at least, frustrated users. Fanboys or Racists and Rapists? I'm a black dude who grew up in Washington, D.C. with its hometown "redskins" football team. That name is horribly racist and derogatory, at least according to many Native American tribes who have protested its use for some time now. I remember bringing this up in high school, and many of my friends would say, "no, it's not racist." Uh, excuse me, but the Native people say it is. "No, it's not." Women are sadly familiar with this routine. If a woman is sexually harassed or even raped, often the first questions challenge what she was wearing or "doing there." The implication is that she either brought it on herself, or it didn't happen. "I got raped." "No, you didn't." This is denying the validity of someone's experience, and I've come across it all too often on lighter issues involving technology. The Palm Treo is a fine example. Search the treocentral.com discussion board for people having problems. If you don't tow the party line, people actually personally attack you and claim that either what you said didn't happen or that it was all your fault. The "redskins" can't be racist, and that woman just misunderstood, and Apple isn't smug at all. The comments I got on that piece were something else. I'll share:
The ads are what David does to Goliath. If you're with Goliath's crew, you'll find the ads annoying. We David's cheer when they come on. As for your install, sorry. Macs are computers and sometimes they do fail and sometimes they do frustrate. If you're coming from the PC world, as I suspect you are, you may not yet understand the Macintosh way, which is to not overthink things. A cross-upgrade? Does this require FCP to recognize the program you're replacing it with? I suggest reinstall the original program, then install FCP. Best wishes, Richard Taylor
Oh, now I get it. I'm with Goliath's crew. That completely explains why my installation didn't work. Clearly my mind is not yet prepared, and I must continue to study "the Macintosh Way" until I figure out how to not "overthink things." I would love for you to explain to me just how I overthought things. Seriously. I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm afraid I may be overthinking how I overthought the situation. Richard Taylor, I respectfully ask you to STFU. Are you kidding me? I follow the instructions, insert the DVDs as told, and the process fails. Somehow this is a reflection of my spiritual unworthiness. Oh please STFU!!
I love the smugness of Apple. I'll go further, I love the ARROGANCE of Apple - that's what it is most of the time. When things don't work - you're fairly certain it's your own fault, and it's up to you to figure out the solution - rather than screaming to the heavens that the people who sold you the machine screwed it all up. So much of my ego is wrapped up in the elite cloud of Mac Zealotry that surrounds me that I REFUSE to let something not work on my Mac. I will make it work (or just declare that it isn't worth doing). With Windows, I'm usually convinced it's a bug right away and give up because I don't have the slightest bit of my self-image wrapped up in whether or not Windows "just works". - Steve
Steve. It sounds like they got to you, buddy. Because you use a Mac, you assume that all problems are your own fault? That sounds like an abusive, unhealthy relationship. Is this the mysterious "Macintosh Way" Richard espouses? I'll let you in on something, Steve. Sometimes daddy makes mistakes. Sometimes the teacher is wrong. Get some self-esteem and take control of your life man.
Only nerds, professional IT workers (and only the ones that use MS software exclusively), and people who work for MS-centric publications are offended by these commercials. - Tedious
Ok, so first. STFU. How did you even find my blog? Why did you comment? What are you? Some kind of nerd or something?
Do you mean upgrade? Final cut anything is an Apple only product. How do you cross-grade? - Joe S.
No. I mean "crossgrade" just like I said. Joe is the second commenter to question the crossgrade. For other uninformed haters who come along and question my understanding of technology. Check your beloved Apple website for an explanation.
One thing you can do is take a look at the various logs including your console.log and the system.log. Many times there is more information than is presented to the average user. You can find the console application in: /Applications/Utilities/Console.app There might also be a specific installation log for the application you are trying to install. The mere existence of these log files shows that Apple in no way believes that their system and application software never has problems. Don't confuse marketing with engineering. - James Bailey
Thank you James. Really. You make a great point, and you actually tried to help. As for confusing marketing with engineering. Clearly I have done no such thing because the engineering doesn't always work. If I had confused marketing with engineering, I'd be engaged in self-flagellation, blaming myself just like Steve. As mentioned above, I just think Apple is playing a dangerous game with these claims of moral superiority. But really, you're the only one who offered something useful. So thanks.
I hate the smugness of your post I mean, seriously, who the hell are you? What makes you qualified to criticize Apple? Who cares what you think? Sounds like you're dealing out a fair bit of smugness yourself. So, ya, those Apple ads are ADS. Just like Microsoft never mentions the constant crashing and continuous onslaught of viruses in any of their ads, Apple doesn't mention that perhaps you might get in a situation you don't understand in their ads. What a surprise. At least Apple has a basis for their smugness, you on the other hand, I'm not so sure about. - nope
Who the hell am I? Who the hell am I??? I'm Baratunde Rafiq Thurston!!! This is my blog, fool! The real question is, who the hell are you?!?!? What makes me qualified to criticize Apple? I'm a damn customer. I've spent thousands of dollars with them. I'm a human being! What is with you people? Why would you say something so retardedly retarded? Are you serious? Do I need to be a certain type of person to share my thoughts? What makes you qualified to criticize my criticism of Apple? Ooooh. Think about that. But please, don't overthink it. Then you'd be violating the Macintosh way. As for who cares what I think. Clearly you do. You have no concept of the depth of your own irony. Damn. The Solution Today I called Apple's phone support and worked with a very nice guy named Shawn. He helped me figure out where the installation went wrong by looking into a "Receipts" folder for necessary packages. While a test was running in the background, I told him about my frustration with the Mac ads, and with the response to my post last night. "Yeah, those commercials can be really frustrating when things are going wrong." I couldn't believe he said that. I told him about the flamers and haters who assume I'm some sort of idiot. He went on. "No, I could tell from the start you knew what you were talking about. We love customers like you." And I love people like him. He validated my experience!! Thank you Shawn, for not being a racist or a rapist. Update 2/28/07 @ 14:52: a reader emailed me a link to this Rolling Stone article: Is Apple the New Evil Empire? Update 3/1/07 @ 16:25: The Wall Street Journal ran a story today about the Mac v PC ad campaign overseas and how Apple had to work to adjust the humor for Japanese and British audiences. I loved this part of the article, proving that the Brits get it :)
Even with the use of local comedians, the ads haven't received a completely warm reception in Britain. One newspaper columnist, Charlie Brooker of the Guardian, mocked Apple for trying to be too cool and delivering a "series of brutal coordinated attacks." "When you see the ads you think 'PCs are a bit rubbish yet ultimately loveable, whereas Macs are just smug, preening tossers'," he wrote on February 5. (A tosser is a pretentious person.) A polling firm, YouGov PLC, found respect for Apple fell in Britain after the ads started appearing in cinemas and Web sites January 29. According to a YouGov daily survey of 2,000 people, perceptions of the Apple brand, measured on a scale of 1 to 100, fell to 8 from 14 in the five days after the ads first appeared. "There was nothing else happening that we know of that would have moved the figure," says Sundip Chahal, brand index director at YouGov.

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just got this apology from jetblue. nice

JetBlue president apologizes

photo by Baratunde via Flickr

I gotta say I believe this guy. I saw him out the right side of my plane at JFK yesterday apologizing to workers, passengers, everybody! Just gimme my free ticket, and I'm good.

An Apology from JetBlue Airways.

Dear JetBlue Customers,

We are sorry and embarrassed. But most of all, we are deeply sorry.

Last week was the worst operational week in JetBlue's seven year history. As a customer scheduled to be on one of our flights during this period, we know we let you down. Following the severe winter ice storm in the Northeast, we subjected you to unacceptable delays, flight cancellations, lost baggage, and other major inconveniences. The storm disrupted the movement of aircraft, and, more importantly, disrupted the movement of JetBlue's pilot and inflight crewmembers who were depending on those planes to get them to the airports where they were scheduled to serve you. With the busy President's Day weekend upon us, rebooking opportunities were scarce and hold times at 1-800-JETBLUE were unacceptably long or not even available, further hindering our recovery efforts.

Words cannot express how truly sorry we are for the anxiety, frustration and inconvenience that you experienced. This is especially saddening because JetBlue was founded on the promise of bringing humanity back to air travel and making the experience of flying happier and easier for everyone who chooses to fly with us. We know we failed to deliver on this promise to you last week.

We have begun implementing immediate corrective steps to regain your confidence in us as part of a comprehensive plan to provide better and more timely information to you, more tools and resources for our crewmembers and improved procedures for handling operational difficulties in the future. We are confident, as a result of these actions, that JetBlue will emerge as a more reliable and even more customer responsive airline than ever before.

Most importantly, we have published the JetBlue Airways Customer Bill of Rights—our official commitment to you of how we will handle operational interruptions going forward—including details of compensation. I have a video message to share with you about this industry leading action.

You deserved better—a lot better—from us last week. Nothing is more important than regaining your trust and all of us here hope you will give us the opportunity to once again welcome you onboard and provide you the positive JetBlue Experience you have come to expect from us.

Sincerely,

David Neeleman

Founder and CEO
JetBlue Airways

P.S. We pledge to keep you informed with more details about the implementation of our improved recovery plans in the coming weeks. There is no need to reply to this email about compensation inquiries. We will be contacting you directly by March 15.

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Update on the Diapernaut


photo by WorldIslandInfo.com via Flickr

This is an update to the Astronaut Fight piece from yesterday.

The Times has more details. This is so ridiculous. So that 950 mile drive Nowak made from Houston to Orlando? She was racing a plane!

The Orlando police say that that Captain Nowak told them when she learned of Captain Shipman's plans to fly to Orlando, she decided to drive to meet and talk with her

I know I'm spending too much time on this, but I can't help it. Math time!

Miles from Houston to Orlando = 963
Estimated drive time according to Google Maps = 14 hours 41 minutes
Average bathroom visits per day = 5.5
Assumed length of bathroom visit for a psycho astronaut = 4 minutes
Total time saved due to adult diapers = (22 minutes)
Remaining drive time = 14 hours 19 minutes
Add on one refueling at 10 minutes
Total Drive Time = 14 hours 30 minutes

I assume an Air Force Captain like Shipman could get on a flight with no more than one stop. Being military, I also assume she's into punctuality. Let's also assume that Nowak found out about Shipman's trip before Shipman departed for the airport.

Direct flight, Houston to Orlando = 2 hours 30 minutes but I'll assume

One stop flight = 5 hours
Military punctuality lead time = 1 hour 30 minutes
Drive to Houston airport = 30 minutes
Time Nowak had before Shipman headed to airport = 1 hour
Time before Shipman lands in Orlando = 8 hours

Time Nowak had to pack steel mallet, gloves, bags, knife, map to Shipman's home and adult diapers = 1 hour
Nowak's total trip = 15 hours 30 minutes

Clearly we have an issue of space/time to resolve. Nowak's trip should take over 15 hours, but her victim only gives her eight. Nowak has to drive 963 miles in eight hours.

That's 120 mph. For the whole trip. You mean to tell me no cop in from Texas to East Florida stopped someone who drove an average of 120mph. She had to go faster than that at some points. I find that very implausible, especially given the friendly assumptions I made above. If Shipman were on a direct flight and gave no notice, Nowak had only about 5 hours, putting her drive speed at 193mph. That's a great car and shitty police work. 007 would be jealous.

Then I discovered this fact on the NASA web site

The shuttle "landing speed ranges from 213 to 226 mph"

We know they keep space shuttles in Houston. Nowak is an astronaut. I'm just saying. What if she jacked a shuttle? That would give her plenty of time to acquire the murderous accessories once in Orlando. Damn I'm good!

Then there's the issue of what exactly happened at the Orlando airport:

Captain Shipman told the police that she noticed a woman following her shortly after arriving on a flight from Houston at about 1 a.m. on Monday, when she was waiting for a bus to take her from the terminal to her parking lot to pick up her car. The two women boarded the same bus, she told the police, and got off at the same stop.

At the parking lot, Captain Shipman noticed the other woman was following her, she told the police, and quickly entered her car after hearing "running footsteps" behind her.

Play slasher music here. This is getting more and more like a Kerry Healey ad every minute! Let's see what happened next.

Captain Nowak, with her hood pulled over her head, approached the car window and tried to open the door.

"Can you help me please?" she said to Captain Shipman, according to the affidavit. "My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up and he is not here. I've been traveling and it's late. Can you give me a ride to the parking office?"

That is so devious! She really planned this out, and referring to "her boyfriend" is a nice addition to the storyline.

Captain Shipman said no, but offered to send help, which Captain Nowak declined, asking to use her cellphone instead. Captain Shipman told her the battery was dead.

Shipman was smart. This was clearly some shady ish. Way to think on your feet with the dead battery! I don't know if I could think that fast.

When Captain Shipman would not open the door, Captain Nowak began to cry and said she could not hear Captain Shipman, the affidavit said. When Captain Shipman cracked open the window, Captain Nowak sprayed pepper spray into the vehicle, the authorities said.

Captain Shipman then drove away and summoned the authorities.

Big up to Shipman for driving under the influence of pepper spray. Soldier!! Nowak is serious about this premeditation. She really lured that woman into opening her windows. "I can't hear you!"??? Amazing! If these women can ever reconcile their differences, they should get Oscar nods fo sho.

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Astronaut Fight!!! On Earth!!

Astronaut Fight! On Earth!!

photo via Flickr

What an incredibly great news day. I even got a CNN text alert about this. Ok, so this one lady astronaut drove like 1,000 miles with pepper spray and a bb gun to attack this other lady Air Force captain all over the love of this dude astronaut. What a great Valentine's Day story! Don't listen to me. Read some of these quotes from the NYTimes story

The Orlando police allege that Mrs. Nowak drove 950 miles from Houston to Orlando -- wearing adult diapers -- and disguised herself in a dark wig, glasses and trench coat to confront Ms. Shipman in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport, according to a police affidavit. Mrs. Nowak considered her a rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut, Bill Oefelein, according to the affidavit.

Adult diapers!!! She couldn't afford enough time to pull over and use the bathroom. That is some Shakespeareanly murderous focus right there. I really gotta hand it to her.

The Orlando police said that Mrs. Nowak followed Ms. Shipman to a parking lot at the airport, where Ms. Shipman entered her car. Mrs. Nowak approached the car window and tried to open the door. When Ms. Shipman would not open the door, Mrs. Nowak began to cry, the police said. Ms. Shipman cracked the window, and Mrs. Nowak sprayed pepper spray into the vehicle.

She later told police, “that was stupid,” according to the affidavit.

No, that was smart! Using your tears to give the intended victim a sense that you were vulnerable, then taking advantage of the opening by blasting pepper spray. Oldest trick in the book. I'm surprised she wasn't like, "What's that over there?" and then shoot her in the head with the bb gun.

Her court appearance was broadcast live on television. Stations displayed file photos of the astronaut smiling broadly in an orange space suit, juxtaposed alongside the police mug shot of Mrs. Nowak after her arrest, her brow furrowed and hair splayed in different directions.

Now that ain't right, catching her on a bad hair day like that. So her attorney argued that she had no criminal record and should be let go. But:

The state attorney said that the facts indicated a well-thought-out plan to kidnap and perhaps to injure Ms. Shipman.

A "well-thought-out plan!!" This is incredible. This is like Cheney shootin that dude in the face but planning it in advance and wearing adult diapers the whole time! Maybe he was.

A NASA official told the court today that before the incident, Mrs. Nowak, who is married with three children, and Ms. Shipman were strangers.

Wait, let me get this straight. Mrs. Nowak, the astronaut with the diapers and pepper spray, is married to some other dude but drives 1,000 miles to fight some chick over a man that ain't even her husband?!? How does that make Mr. Nowak and the kids feel. First, I'm sure he has issues being married to a lady astronaut because whatever his job is, he's not a damn astronaut, and no one cares.

I bet Mrs. Nowak has no time to do any chores around the house cause she's busy kickin it in space. The kids probably can't even get her to sign their homework. Yet this lady finds time to hunt down some rival chick over another man? That's really gotta kill.

But here is the best part. In case you were feeling any sympathy toward Mrs. Nowak the psycho, cross-country pooping astronaut, read this last part of the article:

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Mrs. Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and a BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, rubber gloves, $600 in cash, love letters — all in bags and in her car, the police said.

Oh damn!!!! This was not a friendly visit people! Our diapernaut was fittin to put a hurtin on this chick. Steel mallet????!!! Oh lord. She was gonna beat that lady to a pulp, chop her up with the 4-inch blade like all psychos do.

During the July shuttle mission last year, Mrs. Nowak’s tasks included operating a robotic arm

Oh HELL NAW! She was practicing on that arm. She was gonna use it to toss her chopped up victim into space on her next mission.

Update: continue with Part 2

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Other views on the Mooninite Invasion

from some people I respect. Comedian Tim McIntire thinks the buzz marketing is to blame and Turner should pay for the law enforcement fees. I disagree, and we go at it in his comment section. Update: I've pasted an excerpt of my comments below the fabulous video below The Zebro kids put together a video. Because their response had clearly a lot more effort than Tim's, I vote them the winners of the debate whose side I already declared a winner: mine

Me on Tim's site:
I see yesterday's snafu as solely an overreaction to terr threats. The city and media did not have to react in the way they did. As was mentioned, this campaign happened in 10 other cities with not a hint of panic or paranoia. I can't believe that Boston got something right that 10 other major metros missed. I blame boston and I blame a system of "homeland security" which has to justify its existence (and budget) by overreacting to any and all "threats." I mean they blew up LED signs. The news referred to these as "devices" and "packages" just to justify their existence (and budget). In this case, the anti-terror INDUSTRY is at fault way more than buzz marketing which happens all the damn time. When Menino invokes 9/11, he is doing his own buzz marketing for the military industrial complex. As if all overreaches of state power and aggression are issued a waiver by the memory of ONE act of violence? All the bloviating and lawsuit-threatening are weak attempts to pardon a mistaken response to an absolute non-threat. The fact that the backers of the campaign were cable network folks doesn't mean anything to me in THIS case. *I* could have an idea to promote some psychic waves in the populace by placing signs around the city. that's not a terror threat. it may be a public nuisance, but the overreaction by the state, to me, is the real offense in yesterday's story.

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