After Apple opened its iTunes movie store with Disney Studios, other studios wanted to join in. However, Wal-Mart threatened those studios: "if you sell with Apple, we won't sell your DVDs anymore." Yes, Wa-Mart thinks it will lose its customers to a digital download service. Do they know who their customers ARE??? They should be more worried about their customers gnawing on the DVD packaging in the store
California has sued automakers for global warming. I plan to sue California for reality television.
Six Flags is offering unlimited line-jumping for customers who eat a roach. It's a lot like Hollywood, where you of offered a movie deal if you eat a dick.
After years of posting it at football games and other public events, the Evangelical Committee on Cultural Propaganda has declared "John 3:16" the official gang sign of the born again.
A 3-year old girl in Minneapolis was hospitalized for drunkenness. Doctors warned, "she could have easily died." But I say, look how good Lindsay Lohan turned out. This kid's gonna be ok!
MySpace will start a voter registration drive, targetting its millions of young members. Unfortunately, most kids will waste their votes on "Dane Cook for President."
French doctors have successfully operated on a man in near-zero gravity. That's great. We have 44 million uninsured Americans, and the French want to rub our noses in thier socialized "space medicine."
Saudi Arabia is planning to build a fence along its border with Iraq. They don't get it. Iraqi immigrants are simply willing to do the jobs Saudis won't: that is, blow themselves up.
A 73 year old used car salesman in Texas ended an argument with a customer by pulling out a machete and whacking the man's arm. He normally uses the machete to slash prices, but sometimes the customer isn't always right.
An Australian man who says the recently killed "Crocodile Hunter" shaped his love of reptiles, says he plans to feed the placenta of his newborn son to his pet lizard. That's just what we need: reptiles with a taste for baby humans.
A 3 year old boy bought a $16,000 dollar Barbie-Pink Nissan off of eBay this week. Apparently he was trying to get to Minneapolis and hook up with that drunk girl.
Finally...
Al Qaeda's number 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri announced plans to release a video message about the Pope, Bush and Sudan's Darfur region. He had planned to release via Apple's movie download service, but changed his mind after learning his distribution deal with Wal-Mart would be cancelled
These are some of the jokes I performed with Peter Dutton today at the 9/11 show at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, Mass.
U.S. forces in Afghanistan marked the fourth anniversary of 9/11 in a solemn ceremony yesterday. Meanwhile U.S. Forces in iraq held a similar ceremony but weren't sure exactly what they were commemorating.
Fearing a subway bombing here, Boston MBTA police are headed to London to observe transit cops. Meanwhile, Brazilians in boston have decided to walk to work.
according to the British Medical Journal, women with high levels of stress in their everyday lives are at less risk of developing breast cancer. instead, they will all die of heart attacks.
First lady Laura Bush threw out her suggestion for supreme court justice friday saying "as a woman myself, I hope it will be a woman." Using the same logic, former first lady barbara bush said she hopes it will be a bitch.
Barbara Bush has suggested that the mostly poor and black Superdome refugees were better off in temporary Texas housing because “they were, you know, underprivileged. This is working well for them.” Shortly after her comments, the city of Detroit issued the following statement: “keep that crazy bitch away from our black people.”
The flood waters have yet to recede, and Halliburton has been awarded contracts to clean up after Hurricane Katrina. In fact, Halliburton has already signed advanced rebuilding contracts with the federal government for the Great California Earthquake of 2009 and a logistical support contract with the Chinese government for WWIII.
the house of representatives announced it will start hearings on the gov response to hurricane katrina this thursday. But failure to provide enough desks, microphones and notepads will force the hearings to start a week later than requested.
FEMA director michael brown has been recalled from heading up Katrina operations so he can coordinate the response to other disasters, like his career.
This week, long-time Bush advisor Karen Hughes will start her job trying to improve America’s image abroad. Her first mission is to explain the apparently inept hurricane response. Hughes is expected to argue that, on the contrary, Hurricane Katrina gave the government a chance to jumpstart its long-planned “Aggressive Diversity Initiative” to redistribute high concentrations of African Americans to color-needy states like Utah and New Mexico.
