A fun video clip I shot at SXSW of surprisingly talented musician, Rachel Platten and her last-minute sidekick, Dave Modigliano.
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Comedy
Irina Slutsky over at GeekEntertainmentTV interviewed me at SXSWi after a panel on "Blogging While Black." It's an honor to be featured with the likes of Lynne D. Johnson and George Kelly. Check out the opening question.
Today I left Austin, TX on my long journey home to Boston. It can't be a simple flight because my life isn't simple. The return requires a stop in San Antonio and then New York and then I rush to a radio interview in Boston Wednesday evening. Anyway, I was driving South on 1-35 in my rental car (BTW in Texas, "Intermediate Sedan" means "GiNormous Ford F-five-billion pickup truck" when you translate it into Chicken Fried English), and I turned on AM radio.
I couldn't find any Air America, so I settled on my other diverse and competitive local radio choices: conservative political talk or conservative religious talk. Thank you, relaxed FCC media ownership rules!
I stumbled across a call-in segment where a man was explaining how Muslims actually worked on behalf of the devil. The host, a minister, agreed then took the next caller. This guy began to recall his earlier years when he worked in a gun store in San Antonio and remembers selling guns to Palestinians. The host reigned him in: "Sir, please get to your point. I don't like when people launch into vague stories like this." I was hopeful.
So the caller got to his point: "I think these Palestinians need a lot of help. They're consorting with the devil--"
And the host/minister jumps in: "Now wait a minute sir. Please don't paint them all with a broad brush like that. It isn't fair."
I was so impressed. This dude was gonna make sure the caller didn't judge all Palestinians for the actions of a few.
He continued. "It isn't fair to judge them all. Some Palestinians are Christrian! And we need to pray for our brothers and sisters in Christ to make sure they maintain their strength and don't succumb to the pressures of their culture or evil religion surrounding them."
Nice.
A friend just sent me to a Washington Post article explaining one of Chappelle's funny new jokes. Thing is, I wrote something better two years ago!
From the article:
Chappelle has another bit in his routine that shows flashes of what made "Chappelle's Show" so jaw-droppingly raw. Commenting on the movie "The Passion of the Christ," he notes that the actor who portrayed Jesus was struck twice by lightning during filming. This suggests one of two things, he says: a) that God is smiting those who would create graven images of His prophets, or b) "The Jews have a weather machine."On Feb 27, 2004 I wrote the following MoJo as documented in my NewsPhlash newsletter that day:
During the filming of Mel Gibson's "Passion" people on the set were struck by lightning three times. In related news, Jews own the lightning machine.And I later revised it longer to the following:
During the filming of the Passion of the Christ, three people on the set were actually struck by lightning! Some people see this as a sign that God didn't want his son's story told in that particular way. I see it differently. I see it as a sign that Jews also control... the lightning machine.Oops, pow SURPRISE! Thanks Chappell for validating my comedy career! The fact that I can't use that joke again is a small price to pay for your flattery. UPDATE March 9: My most recent podcast has audio proof!!!
Back in 2003, I wrote an essay helping people properly celebrate Black History Month. I was quite tired of receiving cards in April saying, "Dear Blackie, Happy Belated Month." It's insulting to get that card so late. I was planning to re-run the how-to essay, and just today I received a correction from a reader. Madame CJ Walker did NOT invent the straightening comb
A (CORRECTED) Guide to Celebrating Black History Month for those Who Aren't Black
by Baratunde Thurston
A lot of people don't really know what to do when Black History Month rolls around, especially if they are not black. For me, the options are clear: be proud of my race. As I've learned in over a quarter century of life in modern America, the best way to feel good about oneself is to put others down. So I'll be spending the shortest month of the year downplaying the achievements of all non-black Americans. It'll be fun.
But that leaves open the question: What do you do during black history month if you're not black? Fortunately, I have a solution for you people as well. (And when I say "you people," I mean it in "that" way). Here is my Guide to Celebrating Black History Month for Those Who Aren't Black
There are 10 things you can do to show that you value the contributions of African Americans to this great country of ours. Ready?
1. Read The Autobiography of Malcolm X
Better yet, watch the movie. That book is really long. The basic story involves a young man who goes through many life challenges, finds himself and gets killed as his message begins to really spread. Key takeaway: you cannot make a difference!
2. Invite me over for dinner
Whenever it's not Black History Month, I get sad. It's not because I miss the television specials or the Coca Cola commercials featuring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (Although, if there's one thing he stood for, it was for our right to consume high fructose corn syrup). Free at last!
No, I get sad because February is the one month when my white friends invite me over for dinner. It's their way of making up for the 400 years of free labor and institutionalized racism. I don't even mind being the token dinner guest. The only real problem is that after Black History Month, I'm still hungry! So, invite me over for dinner.
3. Get a black friend
I'm a busy man. I can't be the black friend for all of non-Black America. So it would behoove you to get your own. If you find yourself in this unfortunate position, locate a large group of black people in a poorly lit urban alley. They should be wearing the same colors (it's a sign of unity). Run up to the group and scream, "I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND!" They will welcome you with open arms..
4. Once you have a black friend, appreciate him!
As a black person, I can honestly say I don't feel all that appreciated in America sometimes. You could go a long way toward healing the racial divide if you simply said something like, "Leroi, Madame CJ Walker invented popularized the straightening comb. Now let's go fight the power!" It helps if your friend's name is Leroi; just a tip.
5. Watch BET
I know it's not owned by a black person any more, but this Viacom cable channel still stands for Black Entertainment Television. For your February purposes, the "E" in BET also stands for education, because you will learn much about black people while watching it. Primarily, you will learn that black people are a very musical people. Through the magical storytelling power of song, you will learn of the great challenges facing the black community, such as what type of candy is best after its shaken. (Here's a hint: Laffy Taffy).
6. If you own a retail store, put pictures of black people on the wall
Anyone who's seen Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing knows that if there's one thing which will activate the dormant riot gene in an African American, it's the absence of their peers on the walls of a neighborhood retail establishment, especially a pizza shop. And if that pizza shop is owned by those I-talians, well, fuggetaboutit.
7. Don't be racist
This one can be a struggle for many, and it's understandable. Racism is everywhere. It comes naturally. But it's considered to be "offensive" if you are racist toward black people during Black History Month. If nothing else, it shows a lack of discipline. If you're serious about hating black people, prove it by delaying that hate for four short weeks. Think of it as a vacation from racism, or "vacacism." On March 1, you'll return to peak racist form, charged up and ready to marginalize.
8. Know the key people
Sure, there have been lots of unsung heroes in the history of Africans in America, but they're unsung for a reason: there are only a few that count -- the sung ones. These include Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Malcom X, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali, W.E.B. DuBois, Booker T. Washington, Frederick Douglass, Langston Hughes and maybe Thurgood Marshall. When in doubt, see if there's ever been a feature-length film about the person or if the Coca Cola Corporation has ever used their image during a February commercial. If the answer to both of these questions is no, move on.
That's it.
I know I told you there would be 10 things to do in this guide, but, quite frankly, there's just not that much to celebrate. And look at it this way: with this manageable list of eight, you can do two per week without adversely affecting your life's delicate schedule. It will be like Black History Month never even happened!
If you've learned only one thing from this guide, let it be the knowledge that the history of Africans in American can indeed be boiled down to a short list of a few accomplishments made by a handful of people. Once you realize that, you'll realize Black History Month isn't so big a deal after all.
About the Author
Baratunde Thurston has been black for more than 25 years and has been able to read and write for the vast majority of that time. He has also read The Autobiography of Malcolm X and saw the movie… twice.
Here's the easy joke I wrote: "Dick Cheney shot a longtime Republican friend in the face this weekend. Imagine what he would do to a Democrat." But there's way more interesting stuff to say. Read on brothas and sistas. Read on!
As if there were any doubt in the world that this is the most gangsta administration ever, Dick Cheney went and upped the ante, yall. Dubya has proved himself a rough rider time and time again. He proudly spies on Americans, tortures prisoners and says the reason we went to war (WMD) wasn't really that important after all. That's some gangsta ish.
But Dick Cheney's like, "Great, Dubya, so you violate international treaties. La deee da. N-gga I shoot my own friends!!! In the face!!!"
I swear even Stringer Bell would stay away from these fools. (that's a reference from the best show ever on television ever for those who don't know)
The story doesn't end here though. Here are some nifty observations about VP Slaughter's "accident."
#1
They didn't tell the press until the next day that the incident had happened. How you gonna shoot somebody and not tell until the next day. That's some gangsta ish.
#2
I got a text message from my boy CNN yesterday, and they purposefully let you think Cheney got shot. Here's what it said: "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a hunting trip in"
I stopped reading after "shot," and I was thinking, "Why would you accidentally shoot Cheney?" If Cheney gets shot, that's gonna be some premeditated stuff. Trust me. (note to not-so-secret NSA data gathering probe. yes this was a MILD VP assasination joke, but only mild and only a joke. Please move on to another blogger now, thank you)
#3
I was browsing online today and came across this new development.
Predator Facial Armor System Protects Against IEDs
I couldn't help but think that Dick Cheney's hunting buddies might want to order up a batch of these too.
Today, I unveil my new series of free books known as the MoJo Quarterly. I published a "real" book in 2004 and have sold about 1,000 in the past two years. With the new books, I'm taking an "open source" approach to publishing. How fast can I reach 1,000 distributed? I just want people to read it. The money will come later.
Below, I explain what a MoJo is, why the book is free, how you're allowed to use it and how you friggin GET it! If you're super impatient, just get it now
What's a MoJo?
"MoJos" are what I call "momentary jokes" or jokes that are current events-based and fade with time. For example:
"New research shows that 56 percent of Americans take at least one prescription drug, which means the other 44 percent suffer needlessly from erectile dysfunction, obesity and feelings."
What's in this book?
The first book, Keep Jerry Falwell Away From My Oreo Cookies, contains over 100 MoJos and seven essays that readers helped select during January 2006. The essays include:
- How do you say "Yes, Massa" in Chinese?
- I'll be a Black conservative for $240,000 dollars
- A final solution for the religious right... but not in a holocaust-y way
- and more...
- copy, distribute, display and perform the work
- make derivative works
Yo, this is tight. Not quite performing "with," but the Laughing Liberally show next week will be introduced by legendary political comedian, Mort Sahl!! Get those tix now peoples.
From the LL release:
Mort Sahl, the grandfather of liberal political comedy, will introduce LAUGHING LIBERALLY at Town Hall on February 4th with a video introduction from Los Angeles. Beginning at the legendary Hungry I in San Francisco in 1953, Saul revolutionized the world of stand-up comedy with a fresh combination of political awareness, fearless criticism of the government, and a willingness to draw on personal experience
My mission succeeded. I promised the people of New York that I would bring an end to the strike upon my visit, and the next day the strike was called off!! I'm the man!
It was actually pretty interesting going down to NYC on Wednesday. Due to a tip from a friend who told me how jacked up the roads were with traffic, I decided to take Amtrak from Boston on down. It was easier for me to get to Manhattan from Boston than from Brooklyn. One of my friends just got stranded over there.
I stepped out of Penn Station around 7pm and started walking up 8th Ave toward my Laughing Liberally Lab gig on 45th. From the reports I expected a much more chaotic atmosphere. It wasn't like anarchy, yet I could just feel that something wasn't right. There were too many cars on the road and too many people on foot. It was as if the lunchtime rush was happening way after hours.
I peeped a bunch of TV vans and police officers. The media just love this sort of thing. They treated the pedestrians like Olympic heroes:
Reporters: "Wow sir, you just walked from 23rd St all the way to 34th! How did you do it? Did you think you'd make it? What do you plan to do now?"
Walker: "I'm going to Disney World!"
Yeah, there was a lot of extra movement, but like I said, it didn't feel as bad as I expected. Then I saw an image which made it clear that the situation was completely out of control. I saw a stretch Hummer limo full of regular cubicle-dwelling folks. There was no Cristal, no bling, no video hos -- just Joe and Jane Sixpack using any available form of transportation. When average peasants ride in a stretch Hummer on a Wednesday night, something is horribly wrong with the world.
After witnessing said horror, I made it up to the show where we performed for just a handful of customers. But, as they say, the show must go on. We did a kickass job in fact, and I laughed my ass off at the other comics who all put in some good work: Katie Halper, Dean Obeidallah and an Aussie named Jaime something who wrote some hilarious songs including one about Dick Cheney called "The President of Vice."
I'll probably be dropping by the Lab again in January before we do the big Town Hall show, so keep tuned in for announcements on both.
Meanwhile, New Yorkers, you're welcome.Today I went to my first serious improv class. It was actually a three hour "improv diagnostic" led by Asaf Ronen and sponsored by The Tribe in Boston. I hope to spend this upcoming summer in Chicago immersed in improv, and this workshop really wet my appetite.
In my high school and college career doing musicals and plays, I'd done some improv-ish warmups, but never anything as saturated as today's fun. We got to throw daggers and swords at each other, do bad celebrity impersonations and laugh a lot. I'm hooked and can't wait to do more. How many times in life do you get to take a bite out of a little girl's favorite kitty without going to jail?
Having been in standup for almost four years, I've witnessed the fanatical anti-improv attitude of a lot of standup comics, and not all without reason. You want a non-geographical location? How about my foot in your ass? But as with most extremes, it doesn't really help to believe so strongly in them. I just want the improv to expand my performance repetoire.
Over the years, I've done some standup at improv shows, and the improv people always come up and tell me how they admire standups so much because they'd never have the courage to go out there alone and just talk to people. Well, they're courage ain't too shabby either. In the workshop, I started a scene with another man by saying, "You are a great donut maker," and because I said that, he had to be it. How tight is that?? Never in the middle of a standup set have I had to become a donut maker.
The one thing Asaf said that really stood out to me is this: improv comes down to choice and commitment. Once you choose something, you're committed to it. I like it.