Michelle Bachmann is running for president on a pro-slavery, anti-porn platform?


I Pledge of Allegiance 5-9-09 1

I saw this headline about Bachmann signing some pledge calling for the ban of pornography. I thought, "Well, she just lost half her base." Then I read the complete pledge and found that it is full of far more disturbing amazing language than just the porn reference.

For example, it binds the signer to oppose Sharia Law, because you know, that's a huge threat in America right now. I recalled that I stopped buying hot dogs from the halal food cart outside my office because it always came with a side of Sharia Law, and don't you just hate when Sharia Law spills all over your shoes? It's so irritating!

The pledge also refers to something it calls "the intimate innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy." This is the pledge-writers' way of saying "children." The "intimate fruit of conjugal intimacy" sounds like something an alien race studying humanity might say because where they come from, there is no such thing as sex. Here on planet Earth, we do have sex, and lots of it. Sometimes sex results in "children," which is a word we have, also here on Earth. 

The pledge was drafted by a group calling itself, "THE FAMiLY LEADER." Yes, they purposefully do not capitalize the "i" in the name, which is infuriating on a whole different level.  

For the moment, let's set aside the absurdity of having presidential candidates sign any pledge other than upholding the Constitution and get to my favorite part.

This pledge (PDF) is titled, "THE MARRIAGE VOW: A Declaration of Dependence Upon MARRIAGE and FAMiLY." See, they did the thing with the "i" again. These are extraordinarily annoying people.  To their partial credit, their pledge opens by acknowledging that one cannot claim to defend marriage without focusing on the high divorce rate, broken families, infidelity and other challenges (besides THE GAYS) "threatening" traditional marriage. Not everything they write is batshit crazy, just most of it. To their discredit, the first bullet point is:

Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.

Good googly moogly! Read it again.

Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.

Now, Cheryl Contee, my co-founder at JJP, has already ripped this group for the slavery reference and rather efficiently and effectively, but I can't let it sit. It's as if these people held a Focus Group Of The Sheltered asking "List everything you know that's black" and came back with "slavery" and "the president."

Let me be clear. The opinions and analysis of this all-white, moralistic, American Taliban have no purchase in the land of black folk. It's not like the Official Committee Of Black Folk (I'm a rotating co-chair for the Northeast Directorate) sits around wondering what THE FAMiLY LEADER thinks about our family situation, but still, to invoke slavery in "defense" of marriage exposes a complete lack of historical understanding and common sense, much less sensitivity. 

Who in the world thinks bringing up slavery to defend family is a good idea?  

To the extent that the black family was even allowed to exist, it was under constant attack by state-supported and sanctioned terrorism. "A child born into slavery was more likely to be raised by his mother and father..." Really? A child born into slavery was the property of its master. The operative word was slavery. Period. Any relationship to its biological parents was far less respected than its commercial relationship to the American economy.

Why stop at two-parent households? Let's celebrate the free housing, healthcare and meal plan offered to every black slave! You know what else slavery did for black people? Exercise! Oh it was just great! We even got to work outside. Speaking of work, today, African-American unemployment is over 16 percent. In Milwauke, Wisc., over one-third of black men are unemployed. But during slavery times, every black man had a job! See? Things were better in the past, and now things are bad. Ah, the good old days...

This is a pledge that vilifies porn and glorifies slavery, written by a group that has something against the letter "i" and the word "children." At this point, the only pledge I want a presidential candidate to sign is one pledging not to sign offensive, dumb and unenforceable bullshit like this.

Update: The Family Leader has removed the language. Meanwhile, Bachmann's people said she never saw that part.

Baratunde Thurston is a politically active, technology-loving comedian from the future. He is currently writing a book called How To Be Black, which will be published by Harper Collins in 2012. By day, he works for The Onion. He spends the rest of his time as the rotating co-chair of the Northeast Directorate for the Official Committee Of Black Folk. You can connect with him on e-mail, Twitter, FacebookGoogle+ and Foursquare