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Momentary Jokes for August 1, 2007

I had some time on the plane yesterday and wrote a few more jokes. Enjoy, and once again, show some love for your favorites in the comments.
  1. The University of Iowa is considering a $15 million offer to name its public health school after Blue Cross Blue Shield. In related news, the University of Iowa has just published a report titled, "America's Super Awesome Healthcare System: We Wouldn't Change a Thing"
  2. The White House defended Alberto Gonzales' claim that he couldn't have discussed the terrorist surveillance program at John Ashcroft's hospital bed in 2004 because "the phrase 'Terrorist Surveillance Program' was not used prior to 2006." He explained, "In 2004, we just called it 'Unreasonable Search and Seizure'."
  3. After suffering the second seizure of his life, Chief Justice John Roberts may need to take epilepsy medication and suffer through its side effects which include drowsiness, nausea and empathy for the plight of the average person.
  4. The UN Security Council has finally authorized a peacekeeping force for Darfur. With any luck, the peacekeepers will arrive in time to see the last surviving Darfurian killed
  5. Sanjay Dutt, one of Bollywood's best-known film stars, was sentenced to six years in prison for illegally possessing weapons. While Dutt may have lost his freedom, the Indian prison system gained a great choreographer. Watch out Filipino YouTube stars!
  6. Under pressure from President Bush, Congressional Democrats are scrambling to expand the government's wiretapping powers, proving no matter how abused, the dog eventually returns to the master.
  7. McDonalds has a new beverage called "The Hugo." The 42-ounce, 410-calorie soft drink is available for only 89 cents and is being advertised heavily in minority communities using multiple languages. This is the first in a series of genocidal products on the company's roadmap which will include free bullets, guns and underfunded schools with every Happy Meal sold in the hood.
  8. Oil prices reached a record high of $78 per barrel this week, putting further pressure on the U.S. economy. In response, OPEC leaders hinted at lower prices and scheduled their next meeting for September 11, because nothing symbolizes Arab sympathy for America like an oil cartel meeting on 9/11.

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R.I.P. Pat Brice, Fellow Comedian

Several months ago, when I got into the Peak Oil thing, I was reading everything. I'd start out at TheOilDrum and click my way through to economists predicting the eminent demise of the U.S. economy due to dollar devaluation, credit expansion and the housing bubble. Through the beauty of keywords and tags, I ended up watching a video about renting vs. owning your home. That video featured comedian Pat Brice, and I was instant fan. It was part of Blerds.com, to which I'm super loosely connected. Another comic, TJ Miller, is part of the group, and he was doing a weekly show at Chicago's iO when I was studying there exactly a year ago. In April, I was at the DC Comedy Festival, and the Chicago-based Blerds.com kids were everywhere. That's when I met Pat Brice. I was so excited, and ran up to him , "You're that rent vs. own dude!" "Did you find my video on some wacky housing bubble website?" "Yes!!" "Yeah, I don't know how those dudes found me." His standup was great, and you could just tell that he was one who was going to make it. Today, I visited blerds.com in the hopes of dropping those guys a line to see if they were doing any shows. I'm gonna be in Chicago later this week. That's when I found out that on July 15, Pat died in his sleep. In honor of his life and comedy, I urge you to take a moment to send warm thoughts to his family and friends, visit his website and watch the video below which made me an instant fan. [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6qbKZfsqfI[/youtube]

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My Interview on the Audio Pod Chronicles

This past Tuesday was insane. I woke up at 5am, took a 6am flight to San Jose, on which I felt all prolific and whatnot, writing 18 jokes and blogging about the Democratic debate. I did some money-making meetings, then squatted for four hours at one of the greatest coffee shops in the world, Barefoot Coffee Roasters in San Jose. While there, I penned my latest Weekly Dig column (stay tuned next week) and had a really fun interview with Len Edgerly for his podcast. You can find the interview here (it's about 30 minutes). I first met Len via Twitter, the social-networky, micro-bloggy, hard-to-explainy web service I first tasted at SXSW this spring. He then broke the Space-Twitter continuum and showed up to one of my standup gigs here in the real world while he was visiting Cambridge. A few weeks later, I ran into him again in line at the CambridgeSide Galleria mall on the iPhone launch day.

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18 Momentary Jokes for July 24, 2007

Note: I wrote all of these on a flight from Dallas to San Jose this morning
  1. US and Iranian ambassadors to Iraq are meeting for a second time to discuss ways to stabilize the country. Any serious disagreements will be settled with a game of Rock, Paper, IEDs.
  2. An Iraq veteran who lost his left hand in combat was the first to show off a bionic hand known as the i-LIMB. Apple is expected to sue the maker of the i-LIMB for violating its trademark on the first person singular pronoun.
  3. Emergency workers in England rushed to restore power to 350,000 people after the country's worst flooding in 60 years. The English people explained, "Yo America, this is how it's done."
  4. One in three residents of Southern coastal Florida said they would ignore hurricane evacuation warnings. Cool, that means we can ignore one in three cries for help.
  5. Researchers have proven that it's possible to hack into an Apple iPhone over the web and take over the device. What are they going to do, call my friends? Listen to my music? Browse the web on a smaller screen and slower connection than they one they used to hack into my phone??
  6. The stock market dropped amid renewed fears about the collapsing mortgage industry. Wall Street is beginning to realize that homeless people don't buy shit.
  7. In a so-called "wrongful birth" case, a jury awarded $21 million to a couple who claimed a doctor misdiagnosed a birth defect in their son, leading them to have a second child with similar problems. The couple sued the doctor because there was no address on record to send a subpoena to God.
  8. Sen. John McCain said if he's elected president--- well, it doesn't really matter what he said after that, now does it?
  9. (Option A) Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon. The polyps were, however, packed with large amounts of bullshit, like "Mission Accomplished," "We have to fight them over there so we don't fight them here" and "I do solemnly swear that I will preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
  10. (Option B) Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon. While not malignant, doctors said the polyps definitely were assholic.
  11. Illinois has passed a ban on smoking in public places. What will politicians blow up the public's ass now, the Patch?
  12. AT&T, America's largest phone company and broadband provider, announced that earnings increased 61 percent, generating $2.9 billion in net income. CEO Randall Stephenson commented, "Mwahahahahahahah... mwaaaahaaahahahahahaaaa!!!" then added, "OUR world delivered, bitch."
  13. Corning has developed a new fiber optic cable 100 times more bendable than standard fiber, making high speed Internet available to more homes. The fiber is so flexible, you can insert it into Alaska Senator Ted Stevens' butt, route it through his intestines and pump a Wikipedia definition of the Internet straight into his brain.
  14. Following the lead of other web companies, Microsoft and Yahoo will limit how long they keep sensitive user info. AT&T says they'll hold the data "for as long as the NSA needs, or may eventually need."
  15. A Montana man claims he found a fried mouse in his bag of Frito-Lay potato chips. The company explained he had merely found one of its limited edition "Ratatouille Flavored" chips as part of a Pixar promotion.
  16. (Option A) Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor called for increased civics education in America's schools to help citizens appreciate the separation of powers among the executive, legislative and judicial branches. The first lesson? Explaining what the executive, legislative and judicial branches are.
  17. (Option B) Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor called for increased civics education in America's schools to help citizens appreciate the separation of powers among the executive, legislative and judicial branches. Conservative critics accused O'Connor of judicial overreach.
  18. American Express profits are up 12 percent due to record cardholder spending. That's because people are using their cards to make their mortgage payments.
Which ones are your favorite? Hit me up in the comments.

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Baratunde feels the burn (Weekly Dig)

Originally published in Baratunde's bi-weekly GOODCRIMETHINK column in the July 18, 2007 edition of Boston's Weekly Dig I've lost a lot of weight. I know because everyone keeps telling me that I've lost a lot of weight. Then they ask, "What's your secret?" It wasn't part of any plan, and I'll share the "secret" without ganking a basic concept from a late 19th century religious movement, packaging it into a DVD/book/CD and charging $29.95. Ready? I no longer eat dinner at midnight, lunch is my biggest meal, and my primary form of local transportation is walking--20 to 30 miles per week. I get exercise, and I get to experience the city. I thought I'd bring you along with me on one of my regular routes from my apartment in Union Square, Somerville to the Mass General Hospital area. Transformers, roll out! Our journey begins, as any real Boston journey should, at a Dunkin' Donuts. This one is at Prospect Street and Somerville Ave. I'll never be a real New Englander because I hate most things about Dunkin' Donuts. The donuts suck, and the "coffee" is just liquified sugar. There are a few redeeming qualities in this particular location, however. First, it's open 24 hours and serves as the second bathroom for my apartment. Second, it's open 24 hours and serves as a satellite police station for my apartment. Now, head east on Somerville Ave, passing two of the six auto repair shops that dot my route. I'm sure these businesses will be replaced with luxury condos when the Green Line gets extended to Union next century. This building on our right with the perpetual soccer match on the screen is the Demosthenes Democratic Club. As far as I can tell, it's where Greek men go to avoid saying hi to me. As we approach a right turn onto Medford Street, you'll see Target on the right. Living near a Target used to excite me. Then I found out Target allows its pharmacists to refuse to fill women's contraceptive prescriptions. They haven't gotten a dollar from me since, but I have considered donating unwanted babies. Pass under the commuter rail overpass, and pause at Medford & Ward Streets, home of La Hacienda. A British taxi driver told me this place had the best pizza in the area. He was right. I recommend the four-cheese white pizza. After a few more auto body shops and the hideous Twin City Plaza strip mall, Medford St. becomes Gore St. on the Cambridge side. There's another Dunkin' Donuts at Third St., this one protected by Cambridge's Finest. Keep walking straight, right through the Lechmere T stop onto McGrath Highway and alongside the Museum of Science. Be sure to yell "quack quack" as loud as possible at the Duck Tours. The drivers love when you do that. Ahead and across Storrow Drive you can see the Charles River Park Apartment towers, the "If you lived here, you'd be home by now" people. What they don't tell you is that if you lived there, you'd also be broke by now. A one bedroom can set you back over $2,000 a month. The downside of all this walking is the oppressive summer heat, but on hot days like these, it's nice to know I can pop in to the State Police Department at Storrow amd McGrath and walk out with a refreshing Coolata. BARATUNDE THURSTON IS A COMEDIAN AND AUTHOR LIVING IN SOMERVILLE. HIS COLUMN RUNS BIWEEKLY IN THE DIG. WALK YOUR INTERNETS TO BARATUNDE.COM, AND THEN SWEAT ALL OVER

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How My Barber Made Me Feel Like a Republican (Huffington Post)

This article was originally posted on Huffington Post where I am now a blogger!! Check out my profile page! I've had the same barber for about the same amount of time that Bush has been president, and like many Republicans, I am loyal despite numerous embarrassing moments and outright failures. I can't pinpoint why I've been so loyal. There's something about the person who's in charge of your hair that engenders a sense of trust, loyalty and guilt at the notion of going to someone else. I followed him when he left one shop to start his own. I've waited hours for his chair while other barbers were available. Once when my barber was out of town I did let another barber cut my hair, but I knew it couldn't last. I felt dirty. My guy has done a decent job, but not incredible. Mostly, he's just there. Like most cab drivers, he's always on his cell phone while operating his delicate machinery, leading me to question whether or not he even hears what I want done. I could say, "I want pink bunny rabbits carved into my temples" and he'd be like, "Uh huh" and leave me with a fade. Years ago, I asked him to trim my afro and even it up, and he took the damn thing off. I was so furious when I left, he later told me he was afraid I would come back and shoot him. Had I done so, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in right now. I've been growing my hair out for the past year at least with just moderate trimming every few months. Yesterday, I realized i desperately needed to get my hair cut. It had grown beyond the cool-fro stage and was insisting on joining the Rastafarian Movement. I destroyed several picks in an attempt to tame it, but it chewed threw them like a bunker buster through an Iraqi pre-school. I told the barber, "I WANT TO KEEP THE AFRO, just take it down a bit, and make it even." I had worried that half off might even be too much. Thirty minutes later, I barely had any hair. He took off five-sixths of my fro! I left dissatisfied but committed to maintaining my cool. "This could be good," I told myself. "The scalp needs fresh air every few years." Just when I had convinced myself that it was going to be ok, it happened. I went to my office job, and the corporate people started complimenting me. "Hey Baratunde, that's a nice clean haircut." "Wow, it's like we got the old Baratunde back." "What's up, Tobey?" What a horrible setback! Getting stylistic approval from cubicle dwellers is unquestionably a sign of fashion failure. If Dick Cheney says you have a good heart, you are among the living dead. Then there are the people who realize that something tragic has happened and remind me of the incident, "Woah, man, what happened?" I don't want to talk about it. It gets me angry all over again, and I wonder why I went back to the barber in the first place. This must be what it's like to be a Republican. To remain unquestionably loyal in the face of miserable failure. Like the president, my barber pretended to listen, but went ahead and did whatever he had planned to do in the first place. It didn't matter that I told him to "KEEP THE AFRO." It didn't matter that we had been through this before. The difference between me and Republicans, however, is that I'm not going back for more. I'm looking for a new barber and, in the meantime, I'll be wearing a hat.

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The return of Momentary Jokes

Update 9 July 2007 @ 17:57: the final MoJo was also selected for the Laughing Liberally joke of the day over at Working Assets Blog.

Despite outcries from its constituents and the fact that five of eight democratic candidates have bailed out, the Congressional Black Caucus insists its Fox News-sponsored Democratic presidential debate will go forward in September. This is just the beginning for the CBC which has lined up a series of debate sponsors hostile to Black people including the KKK, Kool-Aid and FEMA.

In Germany, a man's smelly feet so disturbed his neighbors that police raided his apartment, thinking there was a dead body inside. In addition to massive embarrassment, the man's feet are expected to provide black comedians with material for the next 10 years.

Sprint says it has disconnected more that 1,000 cell phone customers who made an excessive number of customer support calls. Interestingly, about half of the customers haven't noticed any change in the quality of their Sprint service since being disconnected.

President Bush is opposed to setting a date to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq despite increasing pressure from members of his own Republican party for a change in war strategy. This is odd. Considering the president's stance on abortion and sexual education, you'd think he'd be a fan of early withdrawal.

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Weekly DIg Column #13 - Campaign 2008: Of Fetuses and Fearmongering

Another column is out in this week's Weekly Dig in Boston and online. An excerpt:
the former New York mayor won't let us forget that he is the former New York mayor. His campaign is: "The terrorists want to kill you." That's his plan for America. Here is a guy who, unlike the president, did not completely drop the ball on 9.11, and now considers himself a hero. Whoop-de-friggin'-doo. Hey, I didn't crap my pants on 9.11. Does that qualify me to be president?
and other such fun statements

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