according to Rupert Murdoch himself (3rd graf down)
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photo via Flickr
What an incredibly great news day. I even got a CNN text alert about this. Ok, so this one lady astronaut drove like 1,000 miles with pepper spray and a bb gun to attack this other lady Air Force captain all over the love of this dude astronaut. What a great Valentine's Day story! Don't listen to me. Read some of these quotes from the NYTimes story
The Orlando police allege that Mrs. Nowak drove 950 miles from Houston to Orlando -- wearing adult diapers -- and disguised herself in a dark wig, glasses and trench coat to confront Ms. Shipman in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport, according to a police affidavit. Mrs. Nowak considered her a rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut, Bill Oefelein, according to the affidavit.
Adult diapers!!! She couldn't afford enough time to pull over and use the bathroom. That is some Shakespeareanly murderous focus right there. I really gotta hand it to her.
The Orlando police said that Mrs. Nowak followed Ms. Shipman to a parking lot at the airport, where Ms. Shipman entered her car. Mrs. Nowak approached the car window and tried to open the door. When Ms. Shipman would not open the door, Mrs. Nowak began to cry, the police said. Ms. Shipman cracked the window, and Mrs. Nowak sprayed pepper spray into the vehicle.
She later told police, “that was stupid,” according to the affidavit.
No, that was smart! Using your tears to give the intended victim a sense that you were vulnerable, then taking advantage of the opening by blasting pepper spray. Oldest trick in the book. I'm surprised she wasn't like, "What's that over there?" and then shoot her in the head with the bb gun.
Her court appearance was broadcast live on television. Stations displayed file photos of the astronaut smiling broadly in an orange space suit, juxtaposed alongside the police mug shot of Mrs. Nowak after her arrest, her brow furrowed and hair splayed in different directions.
Now that ain't right, catching her on a bad hair day like that. So her attorney argued that she had no criminal record and should be let go. But:
The state attorney said that the facts indicated a well-thought-out plan to kidnap and perhaps to injure Ms. Shipman.
A "well-thought-out plan!!" This is incredible. This is like Cheney shootin that dude in the face but planning it in advance and wearing adult diapers the whole time! Maybe he was.
A NASA official told the court today that before the incident, Mrs. Nowak, who is married with three children, and Ms. Shipman were strangers.
Wait, let me get this straight. Mrs. Nowak, the astronaut with the diapers and pepper spray, is married to some other dude but drives 1,000 miles to fight some chick over a man that ain't even her husband?!? How does that make Mr. Nowak and the kids feel. First, I'm sure he has issues being married to a lady astronaut because whatever his job is, he's not a damn astronaut, and no one cares.
I bet Mrs. Nowak has no time to do any chores around the house cause she's busy kickin it in space. The kids probably can't even get her to sign their homework. Yet this lady finds time to hunt down some rival chick over another man? That's really gotta kill.
But here is the best part. In case you were feeling any sympathy toward Mrs. Nowak the psycho, cross-country pooping astronaut, read this last part of the article:
During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Mrs. Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and a BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, rubber gloves, $600 in cash, love letters — all in bags and in her car, the police said.
Oh damn!!!! This was not a friendly visit people! Our diapernaut was fittin to put a hurtin on this chick. Steel mallet????!!! Oh lord. She was gonna beat that lady to a pulp, chop her up with the 4-inch blade like all psychos do.
During the July shuttle mission last year, Mrs. Nowak’s tasks included operating a robotic arm
Oh HELL NAW! She was practicing on that arm. She was gonna use it to toss her chopped up victim into space on her next mission.
Update: continue with Part 2
from some people I respect.
Comedian Tim McIntire thinks the buzz marketing is to blame and Turner should pay for the law enforcement fees. I disagree, and we go at it in his comment section. Update: I've pasted an excerpt of my comments below the fabulous video below
The Zebro kids put together a video. Because their response had clearly a lot more effort than Tim's, I vote them the winners of the debate whose side I already declared a winner: mine
Me on Tim's site:
I see yesterday's snafu as solely an overreaction to terr threats. The city and media did not have to react in the way they did. As was mentioned, this campaign happened in 10 other cities with not a hint of panic or paranoia. I can't believe that Boston got something right that 10 other major metros missed. I blame boston and I blame a system of "homeland security" which has to justify its existence (and budget) by overreacting to any and all "threats." I mean they blew up LED signs. The news referred to these as "devices" and "packages" just to justify their existence (and budget). In this case, the anti-terror INDUSTRY is at fault way more than buzz marketing which happens all the damn time. When Menino invokes 9/11, he is doing his own buzz marketing for the military industrial complex. As if all overreaches of state power and aggression are issued a waiver by the memory of ONE act of violence? All the bloviating and lawsuit-threatening are weak attempts to pardon a mistaken response to an absolute non-threat. The fact that the backers of the campaign were cable network folks doesn't mean anything to me in THIS case. *I* could have an idea to promote some psychic waves in the populace by placing signs around the city. that's not a terror threat. it may be a public nuisance, but the overreaction by the state, to me, is the real offense in yesterday's story.
Photo "gummy murder 1" by John Carleton via Flickr
I just got back from doing a cool show at The Comedy Studio. Sundays are run by Erin Judge, and she's got some people together to do sketches every few weeks. Tonight, one of the pieces included essays on a theme we had written from our childhoods. I really wanted to read "The US Propaganda Machine" which I wrote in 7th or 8th grade, but I couldn't find it, so I went with "Violence: An Historical Perspective."
Given time constraints, I had to cut a lot out of the original, but the basics are all still there. I'll try to get and post the video in the next few weeks, but in the meantime, enjoy the virtually printed words...
Violence: An Historical Perspective
With the current frenzy over violence in America, people are blaming TV, music, movies and even journalism for its proliferation. It is important, though, to stop and examine the causes and effects of violence throughout history.
The British arrived in South Africa on their way to Asia, but they decided it wasn't enough to simply rest there. They wanted to own it. Along with the Dutch, they used automatic weapons to subdue the Africans and get the land.
Columbus stumbled across America looking for India. After discovering the vast natural resources here, he and other Europeans decimated the native population with disease, slavery and wars.
During the 1940s, Hitler and others wanted Jews out of Germany, so they killed them. As a result, most Jews died or fled, thus Hitler achieved his goal.
It's not the news or video games or the media. History proves that violence works.
That's why, when I saw Wendy had a nicer lunch than me, I hit her in the head with my backpack and took it. I learned it from history.
I hope you enjoy the MoJo Journal 2006 edition!
There is a new web series on Comedy Central's MotherLoad website made by Middle Eastern comedians. It's called "The Watch List" which is a great, great name. I've worked with the director and many of the comedians. Check out episode 1 below. They're short and sweet!
A few months back, I posted the story of my incredible exchange with an MBTA bus driver. I took it down because I was involved in some legal and law enforcement actions, but that's all over now, and my column in the Weekly Dig will feature the bus driver story.
For something that was up for so short a time, it was one of the most popular pieces i've ever posted. I can't wait for yall to see how it turned out. Stay tuned for next wednesday!
Also, I've been racing to release a new version of the MoJo Quarterly, which is now the MoJo Journal because quarterly releases just don't work because I have no time. Like last year, this book will feature some best-of writing from 2006 plus I've added photos this year. It's the photos which are causing a headache in the release. Right now, the PDF is 16MB, and I can't ask yall to do that.
It'll take me a few days to re-format the images, and then I'll post the book. I'll also be selling hard copies for the exploitative price of $1.00 each. The title: "Thank You Congressional Pages (for being so damn sexy)"
hooray for me.
For yall in Boston, I'm performing on Erin Judge's show at The Comedy Studio this Sunday night. Should have some new stuff for you.
if you like what I do, read this man's piece in the Washington Post.
Wait, isn't that backwards?
check out the testimonial on my flickr page.
Edwards is so RoadtotheWhiteHouse 2.0!