Note: I wrote all of these on a flight from Dallas to San Jose this morning

1. US and Iranian ambassadors to Iraq are meeting for a second time to discuss ways to stabilize the country. Any serious disagreements will be settled with a game of Rock, Paper, IEDs.


2. An Iraq veteran who lost his left hand in combat was the first to show off a bionic hand known as the i-LIMB. Apple is expected to sue the maker of the i-LIMB for violating its trademark on the first person singular pronoun.


3. Emergency workers in England rushed to restore power to 350,000 people after the country's worst flooding in 60 years. The English people explained, "Yo America, this is how it's done."


4. One in three residents of Southern coastal Florida said they would ignore hurricane evacuation warnings. Cool, that means we can ignore one in three cries for help.


5. Researchers have proven that it's possible to hack into an Apple iPhone over the web and take over the device. What are they going to do, call my friends? Listen to my music? Browse the web on a smaller screen and slower connection than they one they used to hack into my phone??


6. The stock market dropped amid renewed fears about the collapsing mortgage industry. Wall Street is beginning to realize that homeless people don't buy shit.


7. In a so-called "wrongful birth" case, a jury awarded $21 million to a couple who claimed a doctor misdiagnosed a birth defect in their son, leading them to have a second child with similar problems. The couple sued the doctor because there was no address on record to send a subpoena to God.


8. Sen. John McCain said if he's elected president--- well, it doesn't really matter what he said after that, now does it?


9. (Option A) Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon. The polyps were, however, packed with large amounts of bullshit, like "Mission Accomplished," "We have to fight them over there so we don't fight them here" and "I do solemnly swear that I will preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."


10. (Option B) Doctors found no cancer in the five small growths removed from President Bush's colon. While not malignant, doctors said the polyps definitely were assholic.


11. Illinois has passed a ban on smoking in public places. What will politicians blow up the public's ass now, the Patch?


12. AT&T, America's largest phone company and broadband provider, announced that earnings increased 61 percent, generating $2.9 billion in net income. CEO Randall Stephenson commented, "Mwahahahahahahah... mwaaaahaaahahahahahaaaa!!!" then added, "OUR world delivered, bitch."


13. Corning has developed a new fiber optic cable 100 times more bendable than standard fiber, making high speed Internet available to more homes. The fiber is so flexible, you can insert it into Alaska Senator Ted Stevens' butt, route it through his intestines and pump a Wikipedia definition of the Internet straight into his brain.


14. Following the lead of other web companies, Microsoft and Yahoo will limit how long they keep sensitive user info. AT&T says they'll hold the data "for as long as the NSA needs, or may eventually need."


15. A Montana man claims he found a fried mouse in his bag of Frito-Lay potato chips. The company explained he had merely found one of its limited edition "Ratatouille Flavored" chips as part of a Pixar promotion.


16. (Option A) Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor called for increased civics education in America's schools to help citizens appreciate the separation of powers among the executive, legislative and judicial branches. The first lesson? Explaining what the executive, legislative and judicial branches are.


17. (Option B) Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor called for increased civics education in America's schools to help citizens appreciate the separation of powers among the executive, legislative and judicial branches. Conservative critics accused O'Connor of judicial overreach.


18. American Express profits are up 12 percent due to record cardholder spending. That's because people are using their cards to make their mortgage payments.

Which ones are your favorite? Hit me up in the comments.