So that's the going rate for black conservative's huh? And all I have to do is undermine my community?? I believe Lil Jon said it best when he said, "YEEEAH!!" I am of course referring to the story that won't die: black conservative Armstrong Williams was paid $240,000 in taxpayer money by the Department of Education. His mission: to say nice things about the No Child Left Behind Act. Here's what I want you to do about it.

First, I need you to write the FCC. Just send a quick email to fccinfo@fcc.gov. Feel free to copy my letter below, or write your own:

Dear FCC staffer/commissioner (I wish!)

You all have recently come under much scrutiny for flexing investigative muscle surrounding indecency in the media. I write to you today about one of the most indecent, unethical, anti-democratic and possibly illegal media actions in recent memory. I am writing about the recent disclosure that the Department of Education paid $241,000 in taxpayer money to a journalist by the name of Armstrong Williams. The department retained Mr. Williams's services as a journalist to promote the No Child Left Behind Act. This arrangement was made in secret with Mr. Williams's readers having had no idea that his position was bought and paid for with their tax dollars.

Trust is an ingredient without which democracy itself makes no sense. The idea is that the public is informed enough about the decisions it makes, that those decisions will be in its best interest. The media's role in such a system is to act as sometime arbiter, sometime referee in the battle for public opinion. When the media forego this duty and instead become commercial partners in propaganda, their wallets win, but democracy and the interests of the America people lose.

The FCC spent over a year investigating charges that the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was obscene. Armstrong Williams has admitted what he did, so your investigation should be much shorter and cost less taxpayer money. After all, we're $241,000 poorer because of a decision made by your colleagues at Education.

To call what he did obscene or indecent, is to put it mildly. Please act now to force a return of our money, an apology from the Education Department and clear guidelines for all other government agencies who would consider buying the good press they are unable to earn.

Sincerely,

Baratunde R. Thurston
taxpayer, voter, citizen

Ok, once you've done that, pat yourselves on the shoulder, and check out my proposal.

I have noticed for some years now that Black conservatives get all the love. When you're the only black person in any situation you tend to have a lot of friends... except maybe at Klan rallies. I spent a lot of years in white schools and can testify that the most busted brotha in the hood is the one-eyed king of the blind at a white private school. Truly the bee's knees.

And so, I'm not surprised that Black conservatives tend to have a rather nice lifestyle as well. It's the same dynamic. They are in very short supply, but they're a must-have accessory for every ass backwards policy. Need to undo affirmative action? Find a black Supreme Court judge. Wanna bomb poor people? How bout a black National Security Advisor. Need to pimp one of the greatest underfunded federal policies since 40 acres and a mule? Armstrong Williams is your dawg!

So I get it. Rare black people are popular. Black conservatives are rare, ergo popular. And popular people get the nicer things in life. We've all noticed how the black conservative has the best degrees, the most lucrative book deals and the phattest wad of conservative think tank grant money (aka "white chedda"). But the new system of direct cash payola is making me rethink my progressive values. It's a tipping point, if you will.

I am ready to become a black conservative.

I mean, check out the going rate! Two hundred forty thousand dollars... per conservative political issue! Let's just do the math, son. I'm gonna try these on for size.

• Affirmative action is the silent bigotry of low expectations. I feel inferior because of it. This affects my self esteem and thus my ability to realize my true potential. I now doubt all my success. I'm not actually a funny comedian. People just laugh because I'm black. When the bus driver gives me a transfer, it's not because I "paid my fare." It's because I'm black. The government isn't giving me a "tax refund." It's a "black refund." Wow. $240,000 for that. Cha-ching. Ok, how about this?


• I don't believe in evolution. God created everything 6,000 years ago -- the Grand Canyon, Himalayas, even Barbara Bush. The Bible is right about everything. EVERYTHING! So every weekend I go to a synagogue and throw out all the Jewish accountants because that's what Jesus would do, get rid of the money changers. It's the Bible. Can't argue with it. Another $240,000. This is the shit. I gotta tell the drug dealers I found a better hussle! Ok one more.


• The war in Iraq is the central front in the War on Terror, which we will someday officially win. Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden planned the 9/11 attacks at a cafe in Paris. The CIA has direct evidence of this! Everybody knows it, but the liberals hate America so much they refuse to read the report. In fact, Saddam was planning to drop 10 nuclear weapons filled with anthrax and VX nerve gas on evangelical day care centers in Lubbock, Texas. Then he was going to start a rape room at the United Daughters of the Confederacy in Richmond, VA. Then he was going to force all American men to gay marry each other. $240,000


• I believe a strong missile defense is the most effective security we have against-- ok, sorry. I gotta stop here. Laughing too hard

Not bad huh? $720,000 in just a few minutes. See how much fun this is?? Armstrong Williams didn't know the half. Why would he stop with No Child Left Behind? This is a cash cow, people. And it's good for progressives, especially black ones.

See, once I start elevating my conservative profile, my audience and cache will increase. I'll start performing at Heritage Foundation dinners and attending groundbreaking ceremonies for The Moral Majority. I'll get my own talk show and syndicated column. I will make millions of dollars, which will make me a black millionaire! Then maybe I will be appointed to the Cabinet and prove, by my sole example, that black people are treated as equals, that poor people have opportunity, that evolution is bullshit!

It will be so much fun having all that money and attention and prestige. Until I get caught.