Ok, that's it. I've finally snapped over the whole gay marriage thing. Conservative types have been touting the "defense of marriage" for at least eight years and even passed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. The thing is, there is absolutely no defense of marriage! If it were really about defending marriage...

We would hear the president talking about a constitutional amendment banning adultery and spousal abuse. If folks were really interested in defending marriage, the state wouldn't just hand newlyweds a marriage certificate, but also a voucher for counseling every five years. I can think of a whole bunch of ways to defend marriage like:

• paying folks a living wage so working-class couples don't work so much they never see each other
  
• tying the tubes of emotionally unstable couples who think a kid will fix all their problems
  
• making engaged couples spend a full month camping together before taking the plunge into marriage
  
• reciprocal oral sex nights on the regular
  

What I'm saying is, something that claims to defend marriage should be about preventing that which ends marriage -- no, not the gays, but divorce! I'm not naive. I don't expect lawmakers to actually display any integrity when they give names to their causes and their b.s. laws -- I'm just calling them on this one.

We've seen it before. "No Child Left Behind" leaves tons of kids behind. "Clear Skies Initiative" allows more dirt in the skies.

I'm just waiting for the flagrant foul of legislative nomenclature. Can I get a "Kicking Crippled Puppies is Bad Act"? If I ever get to congress, I'll have to introduce my own empty-titled bills like: the "Food is What You Eat Act" or my crowning legislative achievement: "Politicians are Full of Shit Act."