User Submitted: Am I black?

Before buying the book, I think I should first try and figure out “Am I not black or am I black and just not doing it properly?”  How would I know?  There really should be a test — and not one of those damn standardized culturally biased Princeton elitists type tests either.  (I put the gris-gris on them long ago after they told me I should give up the sciences and go into a field like social work!) 

I think race is like beauty — it’s only skin deep, so don’t hand me any of that “look in the mirror” crap either.  When I look in the mirror left and right are backwards, so how do I know the colors aren’t backwards too?  Besides, there’s no black or white in the rainbow so I have my doubts about the whole so-called “EM spectrum” those guys in the *white* lab coats are always talking about.  (Whose pocket do you think THEY are in?)

But when black people meet how do we determine who is blacker (or, not to be racist, which one is least white)? The usual method - waiting to see which one the cops question first - isn’t always practical.  The alternative of asking someone “How black are you?” can lead to some very unpleasant results (something I can personally attest to).

And while you’re taking questions - something that, as an author, I believe you’re legally required to do - I have one more.  Every time I go to church Jesus seems to get whiter and whiter.  In a few years I fully expect Him to be 6’4”, have blond hair, speak with a Finnish accent, and hang from an Ikea cross.  Don’t people ever look at the atlas and see he probably looks more like me than Sven?

I’m jonesin’ for a snack.  Later.