Archive for November, 2006
Well, alrighty then. Citizens of Baratundesia, it’s good to be back on schedule. We’ve got a special NewsPhlash for you that will more than make up for the delay. We’ve got stories of Nintendo Wii addiction, anal stitches (yes, you read that right), some shoutouts and, as promised, our first t-shirt and book contest winners are announced, inspiring me to post my first official standup gig from 2002 online because of you guys!
Oh yeah, my YouTube videos have been viewed over 12,500 times!! woohoo!
>>>>> Our first contest winners!!! <<<<<
#1 Michelle from Providence, RI and #2 Lisa from Boston, MA
Michelle will be receiving one autographed copy of my first book, Better Than Crying, Poking Fun at Politics, the Press & Pop Culture. Lisa will be receiving a babydoll, blue Kittens for Breakfast t-shirt! Congratulations ladies! It would be great to get a photo of you with the book and shirt, but no pressure!
Highlights from their answers:
Lisa’s favorite joke, etc. of mine:
“ok, i really liked when you had that npr interview with jane elliott. i liked that she received the honorary black person card.”
Michelle’s favorite joke, etc. of mine:
“I’ve liked lots of the blog posts, but I especially liked your contribution to blackpeopleloveus.com. Hey, do you know where I can get some weed?”
My Response: Actually, Michelle, you want to talk to my boy Michael Richards. He’s got the hook up!
Lisa on first seeing me perform:
“it was the young professionals for deval fundraiser. i remember your jokes about your name - I’ve met a Nigerian father and you were right on! i also remember that you didn’t just leave after you performed. you stuck around and met people, including me. and you weren’t snooty. You offered to include my blog address on your webpage. and then you did it! thanks, man.”
My Response: Lisa, you are so welcome and so on! I am not snooty! I think I’ll put that in my presskit.
Michelle on first seeing me perform:
I saw your graduation show when you took the standup class like four years ago, 3rd floor of the Hong Kong. Yeah, that’s right. You followed Sarah Silverman. She told a joke about how her ex-boyfriend got offended when she said he would’ve been a really expensive slave. You started with explaining that you would’ve been a really expensive slave.
My Response: That’s a pretty close memory there, Michelle. It’s true yall. On my first real show ever, I had to follow Sarah Silverman! She indeed closed with that slavery joke. I got up there and said I’d have been a priceless slave. And actually, yall are in luck. Michelle has inspired me! I dug out the video of that first show, and I’ve just put it Google Video (was too big for YouTube). I’m a bit heavier and a lot less hairy, but it’s me. Check it out and see me transition from Sarah Silverman by immediately attacking babies and children.
Check out vintage Baratunde, nearly five years ago!
Remember, I’ll be giving away books and t-shirts for the next 21 weeks! The rules are simple. You actually have to be on my email list to have a chance, and I’ve made the entries a little easier with this web form here.
>>>>> You had surgery where? <<<<<
I have shared many medical trials and tribulations with you people, and from time to time I’ve wondered, am I a bit too open about all this? Is it too much information? A conversation I had on Saturday night has assured me that I haven’t even gotten close. I was at a friend’s birthday party, and within five minutes of meeting a woman there, she proceeded to tell me about how she required surgery on her actual anus. I know! And then she told me about the anal stitches. I know, yall! But since I had to suffer, so will you!
At no point in our introduction did I ask, “So, how do you know Bob, and by the way, do you have any anecdotes you could share involving your anus? Really? You do!? Well do carry on!”
Now that you’re warmed up. Let’s continue with the weekend.
>>>>> I installed Linux on my old laptop <<<<<
During the day on Saturday, I was a motivated man. I updated my mailing list, submitted to some comedy festivals, went shopping, worked to overthrow our corporatist government, and I even bought candles for my apartment. I’ve found that myrrhe works really well to get rid of that Thankstaking genocide dinner aroma. I had finished my errands, and decided to go to the mall.
You have to understand, there was no reason to go to the mall. I had the damn candles (BTW, Dyptique on Newbury is the hotness), yet I found myself in the Best Buy. I knew why I was there. I wanted to get a Nintendo Wii. The last time I went through major medical drama (see tuberculosis 2004), I bought myself a hacked Xbox. I thought a mini-stroke qualified me for a Wii, but Best Buy didn’t have any.
Then I started checking out the Xbox 360. Then I went to EB Games, and they didn’t have a Wii, but they had the Nintendo DS Lite which looked so cute and purchaseable! Then I went back to Best Buy and nearly attacked the sales guy. “Well, when will you get the Wii? Do you at least have a demo I could play. Please?! I just want to hold the controller!”
It was when I found myself in the Apple store surfing eBay for the non-existent WiiBox 360 Lite that I realized I had a problem. I went home, busted out an old IBM laptop that wasn’t doing the world any good, and proceeded to install Ubuntu Linux on it. Ahhh, sweet relief. I just needed to play with some technology. I needed the rush of downloading updates and pushing buttons. Anytime I find myself fiending for a game console, I just play with my free Linux machine. Mmmmm, security patches.
>>>>> Save the dates <<<<<
No shows this week. I’m off to Portland, OR for a little rest and relaxation (see abnormal migraines and fake stroke 2006), but there are a few Boston shows you should mark down.
December 8th & 9th
The Comedy Studio
and a very special announcement…
The Laughing Liberally Lab is coming to Boston!
January 17th, 2007. and I’ll be hosting!!
>>>>> Shoutouts <<<<<
To this guy, who nearly escapes a high speed police car chase twice! What a driver.
To one of my favorite new websites, www.yelp.com. It has cool local reviews of restaurants, night life and stuff. Kind of like Citysearch but better. Check out my reviews via baratunde.yelp.com
>>>>> MoJos (Momentary Jokes) <<<<<
next week, yall. I’m tired.
———————-
Baratunde Thurston
Comedian, Author, Vigilante Pundit
www.baratunde.com
and everywhere else Internet tubes are found…
MYSPACE: http://www.myspace.com/baratunde
FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2244
YOUTUBE: http://www.youtube.com/baratunde
FLICKR: http://www.flickr.com/photos/baratunde/
MOJOS: http://www.dailycomedy.com/baratunde_thurston/home/
YELP: http://baratunde.yelp.com
BLOG: http://www.baratunde.com/blog
Hey team, because of my unexpected hospitalization, I have fallen one week behind on the t-shirt giveaway. I received some great entries, though, so rest assured it’s still on. In Monday’s NewsPhlash, I will announce TWO winners to make up for my fake stroke’s effect on my schedule. Thanks for your patience, and remember, for a chance to win a signed copy of my book or one of my t-shirts, join my email list at baratunde.com
Last Tuesday at 10pm, I was on stage in New York’s Greenwich Village making the people laugh. Twenty four hours later, I was on a stretcher in Boston’s Mass General Hospital Emergency Room waiting to get an MRI. It’s been a tough week.
After the Village show, I took a 12:30am overnight bus back to Boston, slept a few hours and got up to do some radio promo interviews for an upcoming show in Turners Falls, Mass. However, within an hour of waking, I had another freaky nervous system and headache episode like the one that followed my fast in late September. The good news is the fast probably had nothing to do with it. The bad news is that it happened again.
Nearly all of the same symptoms returned: numbness in right arm, inability to visually focus, painful sensitivity to light, horribly sluggish speech and sudden loss of vocabulary and lucidity plus the headache from Hell. The only difference was that I did not forget the names of the people around me. Oh, and I went to the hospital this time.
I’ve been to the ER so many times in the past four years (via wheelchair from the doctor’s office, via ambulance from my home, via walk-in), I should get some sort of frequent flyer miles. Here’s what I have in mind for perks.
- The man sitting next to me, hacking up Avian Flubola, is forced to wear a face mask
- The seats in the waiting room are not covered in bloody bandages
- The People Magazines are from the current fiscal quarter
- The ER staff only ask me to describe what happened five times, rather than eight or 10
Why do they ask so many, many times? It’s like a damn interrogation! I mean, really, what would they do if my story changed? “Aha! You know you done f–ked up right? You know you done f–ked up. Twelve hours ago you said the headache started at 10am, but just now you said it was 9:30! You think you can play us punk???!!”
After eight hours, I had an MRI of my head which led them to want to perform a lumbar puncture (LP), commonly referred to as a “spinal tap.” I saw the movie, I thought it was hilarious. How could I not? They had an amplifier which actually went all the way up to 11, ok? “Spinal tap” sounds like a pretty innocent procedure. I was envisioning one of those little triangle-shaped hammers tapping against my spine. All good!
No. All wrong.
A spinal tap involves them shoving a porno-sized needle in between your vertebrae and extracting spinal fluid. The doctor assured me it was simple, quick and relatively painless. He was also, really, really good at it. It should have taken perhaps 20 minutes.
One hour and many holes in my back later, the procedure was finally done. Apparently, I have a “unique” spine which made it difficult to find an entry point between the vertebrae. This, in turn, required much “exploration” along the spine and a retarded amount of local anesthetic. I was stabbed in the back so many times, I felt that for a few minutes, I knew exactly what Jesus would do. Jesus would weep! Then he would shut up because weeping made it hurt more.
So, the diagnosis? No brain tumors. No brain bleeding. My brain is pretty kick ass. What I have is a case of insanely debilitating migraines. Yes, migraines. Migraines that feel like a little stroke. Pretty sweet huh? Not!
The ER let me go after I slept for a few hours, post back-stabbing. I hobbled my way out, but not before they warned me about “the spinal headache.” They said I should lay on my back for the rest of the day and drink plenty of water. That afternoon, I spoke with my sister, who reiterated in absolutely clear terms that I did not want to experience “the spinal headache.” (you might as well add your own “dun dun dunnnnnh” sound effect here).
Here’s what happens. The doctor has stolen something essential from your body, something called “spinal fluid.” This fluid is also around your brain and provides a cushion between your brain and skull. With a reduction in this fluidy softness, one must lie down for 24 hours, even keeping the head slightly below the feet, in order to keep fluid in the brain at an adequate level. If one does not heed these instructions, one will incur the wrath of “the spinal headache” which will make one’s migraine feel like “a walk in the park.”
That got my attention. Anything that would make the migraine seem bearable must be terrible indeed. I laid down for a full 24 hours and managed to avoid “the spinal headache” (dun dun dunnnnnh)… or so I thought!
In addition to an extremely stiff and sensitive back, Friday evening, out having dinner with a friend, I started to feel something funny in my head. Then it was pain. Then it was awfully awfulness right behind my eyes and deep inside my head. Tylenol did nothing. The only solution was to lie flat. For the next three days, I could not remain vertical for much more than an hour. I abandoned friends at three consecutive meals just to go lie down wherever I could find a bench or floor. It was the second-worst pain of my life (just behind the 2004 US Presidential Election).
I’m happy to say that I’m through the worst of it. The spinal headaches are ebbing, and my back is much better. But how do I prevent this in the future? I have been given a few home-grown remedies for migraines (baby aspirin a day! awww yeah!), but there’s a bigger issue going on here, my people. I need to chill the f–k out!
After falling asleep behind the wheel at 65 mph, getting surgery for a broken kneecap, contracting medieval-ass tuberculosis and now this migraine madness, I think I’m ready to listen to my body. What it’s saying is: “We’re 29 now. Twenty-nine, ya hear!? Not 22, not 19, but twenty-friggin-nine. You know you done f–ked up right?”
It’s all right here. Read, watch and weep.
also available online @ http://www.baratunde.com/blog/archives/2006/11/np_next_station.html
I’ve always dreamed of having a subway station named after me, and it looks as though my wish may come true. Keep reading to find out about that, my upcoming shows in NYC, how the Def Jam audition went, a link to my post-election analysis on public radio plus a new, weekly t-shirt giveaway
This is a long one, but worth every word unlike previous NewsPhlashes which were worth maybe every fifth word at best.
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UPCOMING SHOWS
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Tuesday, November 14th (TONIGHT!)
Morrison Motel
Cornelia Street Cafe b/w Bleecker & West 4th, 9pm, $10
feat. John Morrison, Brian Longwell, Ophira Eisenberg, Frank Vignola & more
http://www.corneliastreetcafe.com/get_here.asp
(go there early and have a great dinner)
Saturday November 18th
Comedy at the Shea, 8pm
Shea Theatre, Turner Falls, Mass.
headliner Tony V (The Brotherhood on Showtime)
http://www.sheacomedy.com/
Monday November 20th
Laughing Liberally, NYC, 8pm
45th Street Theatre b/w 8th & 9th
feat. Dean Obeidallah (SNL), Julie Goldman (VH-1) & more
http://www.laughingliberally.com
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What Happened with Def Jam, Son!?
=========================
Oh, THAT ol’ thing?
The Def Comedy Jam auditions were hot hot hot. I felt like I had a great set, but I won’t know anything solid for a few months. In the meanwhile, check out this blog entry for more about the show and how I got to be in a TV pilot scene directed by Kevin Bright (producer of Friends).
http://www.baratunde.com/blog/archives/2006/11/so_how_did_def.html
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PUBLIC RADIO SHOULD JUST GIVE ME A SHOW ALREADY!
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As you can imagine, I thought last week was like the 21st century version of the end of slavery, given the results of the elections. I was chatting with some expat friends in Europe, and while they love the stronger currency over there, they’re really looking forward to coming home now that sanity has triumphed.
Here in Massachusetts, Deval Patrick won in a landslide versus Kerry “Rape Me” Healey. I’ve been involved in Patrick’s campaign from the start and am proud to say I’ve done some writing for him.
The good folks over at Christopher Lydon’s Radio Open Source had me on for a second time, this time to discuss my take on the national and state results.
You can listen to the show here:
http://www.radioopensource.org/its-wednesday-morning-was-it-good-for-you/
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IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING:
BUS DRIVER NEARLY ASSAULTS SEXY MAN
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Due to the seriousness of the threats I faced, I have (at least temporarily) removed my account of the MBTA incident from this site.
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T-SHIRT GIVEAWAY
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In 23 weeks, I will have been doing standup comedy for five years. To celebrate, I’m giving away a book or t-shirt to a member of my mailing list for EACH OF THOSE WEEKS!!
That’s right. And YOU get a t-shirt!! and YOU get a t-shirt!! and YOU get a book, etc.
23 weeks.
23 shirts or books.
Here’s how it works. I’m showing love just to you folks on my email list. You’ve been with me through the Friendster implosion. You survived when those tubes on the Internet got all clogged with Sen. Ted Stevens’s bullshit. You kept reading even though doing so made you a cut and run, Christmas-hating, flip flopping traitor.
(To those reading this on my blog, Facebook or MySpace, join the email list at www.baratunde.com for a chance to win.)
Rules
1. You must REPLY to a NewsPhlash email for a chance to win. You can’t just be writing me cause you have my email.
2. In your email, please include at least ONE of the following
a) your favorite joke, blog post, book piece or other creation of mine and why
b) when you first saw me perform or read my work and what you remember
c) an explanation as to why Bill Clinton is so buddy-buddy with Bush the elder
d) a response to something I wrote in NewsPhlash
e) a contact at a club, theatre or college you think would dig my comedy
3. Include your first name and current city of residence
4. You must be cool with me mentioning you by name/city in subsequent NewsPhlashes along with your answers to option A through D above, if you win.
5. If you are not selected, you are still eligible to purchase a shirt or book with your own money
6. If you are me, you are not eligible to win
Each week, I’ll go through the responses and declare a winner on the following Monday via NewsPhlash and my blog. You do not have to submit in a particular week to be the winner that week. If you reply once, you’re in the pool. Multiple submissions won’t help you win, but they will make me love you more.
The Prizes.
A choice between
1) My first book, Better Than Crying, autographed
http://www.baratunde.com/book.shtml
2) any one of my t-shirts
http://www.goodstorm.com/stores/baratunde
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UPDATE YOUR MAILING LIST PROFILE PERTY PLEASE
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Finally, many of you may have noticed I’m using a new email list service. The biggest sign that I’m with a new service is that you are actually receiving this message (don’t ever do business with topica.com BTW).
What I need you to do is click on the link at the very bottom of this message and update your profile. At a minimum, add your zip code, so I have some idea of where my people are and can provide a more accurate report to the Department of Fatherland Security.
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WHERE TO FIND ME ONLINE
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MYSPACE: http://www.myspace.com/baratunde
FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2244
YOUTUBE: http://www.youtube.com/baratunde
FLICKR: http://www.flickr.com/photos/baratunde/
MOJOS: http://www.dailycomedy.com/baratunde_thurston/home/
HOME: http://www.baratunde.com
BLOG: http://www.baratunde.com/blog
Due to the seriousness of the threats I faced, I have (at least temporarily) removed my account of the MBTA incident from this site.
Just found out that Donald Rumsfeld is resigning. Too bad the entire administration doesn’t follow his lead. But then again, following his lead has gotten our military into quite the mess, so I understand their hesitance.
FYI, Campus Progress and the National Black Programming Consortium are having a screening and reception this Thursday in Cambridge, Mass.
The film: Hip-Hop: Beyond Beats & Rhymes
The guests: Byron Hurt, director and Chuck D of Public Enemy
November 09, 2006
From: 06:00 PM until 11:30 PM
Address
OM Restaurant & Lounge
92 Wintrop Street
Harvard Square
Cambridge, MA
Note: you must be 21+
photo by 油姬 via Flickr
Cross-posted at Radio Open Source
I am slightly less ashamed at being an American now. When I go abroad, I will drop my poor version of the Canadians’ “eh.” This election has been great for me because it was aBOUT (no longer aBOOT) sanity and awareness returning to the American people.
My mother, and many other black mothers, always told me that I had to work twice as hard to get as far as a white person in this country. It was an astoundingly simple yet often accurate lesson. Yesterday’s elections show that Rebublicans must fail twice as hard in order to fall as far as the Democratic party.
A little bit of my faith has been restored.
Deval Patrick. I cannot express my excitement over this man’s campaign. I was involved from the very beginning. In addition to personal pride in someone I believed in, I still can’t believe that an outsider, in almost every since of the political word, has triumphed in this state, known for its boy’s club allocation of political capital.
It’s not just that Deval won (which makes his billboards’ blocking all light in my apartment for the past 3 - 4 months worthwhile), it’s the fact that he triumphed so completely (20+ points) over an opponent who got about as dirty as you can. It’s the fact that at every step the “pundits” said he would not and could not succeed. It’s the fact that his campaign actually involved more people than any in the state’s history. It was more than advertising. It was more than speechifying. It was an actual movement. Even opponents of his should be impressed.
Back to the national scene.
I say my faith has been restored this morning because the words “opposition party” may now actually mean something. Five years ago, America overdosed on “patriotism,” and while some of us detoxed quickly and saw the truth of what was happening, the majority was scared into trading liberty for so-called “security,” and it has been a horrible, horrible exchange rate.
No-bid contracts for highly inefficient war profiteers, falsification of intelligence reports, unconstitutional domestic surveillance, advocacy for torture, vilification of homosexuals, politicization of stem cell research, denial of global warming, unprecedented levels of corruption, provocation of potential nuclear powers Iran and N. Korea, blind concession to oil addiction, intimidation of voters, rigging of elections, closeted gay behaviors among the most righteous, attacks on immigrants, support for corporate malfeasance, idiotic and irrational “homeland security” measures and a failure to investigate any of these things. All this was done in the name of “9/11.”
It has taken a long time, too long for my taste, for this nation to awaken, but it’s finally morning in America.
(please let me know how you feel about the election results in the comment section)
On site with Kevin Bright, originally uploaded by baratunde.
Here’s a quickie for ya.
This has been a great comedy weekend, and it ain’t over!
Thursday, Mandy Donovan and I entertained folks for the Providence-based Advent House fundraiser. It’s a revolutionary group that provides housing and services for the homeless. It was also one of my best shows ever. I learned a lot about working the crowd and actually did my set, Oprah style, from the center of the dining hall, walking around and makin the folks laugh for a good 40 minutes.
I gotta thank my Chicago summer improv training for teaching me to go with my gut on that one and really embrace all sorts of possibilities I could never have scripted. For example, at one point during my set, I got hugged by a 50 year old white dude named Don. I don’ think he came to the fundraiser thinking he was gonna hug a black man, but he did, and the crowd ate it up! It also proved that I can work right-leaning, older crowds just as well as the lefty, city folken. Big up to me!
Last night was the Def Comedy Jam audition. Hotness!! Big up to Corey Manning for getting Def Jam to do its first ever talent recruiting in New England. Corey is one of the most community-oriented brothas I know, and hilarious to boot. Keep an eye out for him. I feel great about my set. I hit them with my political stuff, and the crowd really dug it. Also, I was the first act, so it’s even more special to me.
It was very cool to see my stuff play on Thursday to a right-leaning older white crowd and Friday to a young audience full of black folk and Cape Verdeans. Both the Boston and Providence shows were great. Thanks for those who came out last minute.
This morning, I was on site for a shoot at 8am! (after getting home from Providence after 2). I played a small part in a TV pilot being shot by hilarious sketch group, ZEBRO. The project is being produced by Kevin Bright (Friends, Joey, the pilot for In Living Color), and he directed me!!! I’ve been directed by Kevin Bright. That’s just cool yall!
Tonight I hit the Hooker-Dunham theatre in Brattleboro, VT. I’ll be opening for Brian Longwell.
Tomorrow, it’s off to SUNY Purchase to host a Get Out the Vote event for PUSH, a student activist organization.
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