I had some time on the plane yesterday and wrote a few more jokes. Enjoy, and once again, show some love for your favorites in the comments.
- The University of Iowa is considering a $15 million offer to name its public health school after Blue Cross Blue Shield. In related news, the University of Iowa has just published a report titled, "America's Super Awesome Healthcare System: We Wouldn't Change a Thing"
- The White House defended Alberto Gonzales' claim that he couldn't have discussed the terrorist surveillance program at John Ashcroft's hospital bed in 2004 because "the phrase 'Terrorist Surveillance Program' was not used prior to 2006." He explained, "In 2004, we just called it 'Unreasonable Search and Seizure'."
- After suffering the second seizure of his life, Chief Justice John Roberts may need to take epilepsy medication and suffer through its side effects which include drowsiness, nausea and empathy for the plight of the average person.
- The UN Security Council has finally authorized a peacekeeping force for Darfur. With any luck, the peacekeepers will arrive in time to see the last surviving Darfurian killed
- Sanjay Dutt, one of Bollywood's best-known film stars, was sentenced to six years in prison for illegally possessing weapons. While Dutt may have lost his freedom, the Indian prison system gained a great choreographer. Watch out Filipino YouTube stars!
- Under pressure from President Bush, Congressional Democrats are scrambling to expand the government's wiretapping powers, proving no matter how abused, the dog eventually returns to the master.
- McDonalds has a new beverage called "The Hugo." The 42-ounce, 410-calorie soft drink is available for only 89 cents and is being advertised heavily in minority communities using multiple languages. This is the first in a series of genocidal products on the company's roadmap which will include free bullets, guns and underfunded schools with every Happy Meal sold in the hood.
- Oil prices reached a record high of $78 per barrel this week, putting further pressure on the U.S. economy. In response, OPEC leaders hinted at lower prices and scheduled their next meeting for September 11, because nothing symbolizes Arab sympathy for America like an oil cartel meeting on 9/11.