Update on the Diapernaut





photo by WorldIslandInfo.com via Flickr


This is an update to the Astronaut Fight piece from yesterday.


The Times has more details. This is so ridiculous. So that 950 mile drive Nowak made from Houston to Orlando? She was racing a plane!


The Orlando police say that that Captain Nowak told them when she learned of Captain Shipman's plans to fly to Orlando, she decided to drive to meet and talk with her


I know I'm spending too much time on this, but I can't help it. Math time!


Miles from Houston to Orlando = 963

Estimated drive time according to Google Maps = 14 hours 41 minutes

Average bathroom visits per day = 5.5

Assumed length of bathroom visit for a psycho astronaut = 4 minutes

Total time saved due to adult diapers = (22 minutes)

Remaining drive time = 14 hours 19 minutes

Add on one refueling at 10 minutes

Total Drive Time = 14 hours 30 minutes


I assume an Air Force Captain like Shipman could get on a flight with no more than one stop. Being military, I also assume she's into punctuality. Let's also assume that Nowak found out about Shipman's trip before Shipman departed for the airport.


Direct flight, Houston to Orlando = 2 hours 30 minutes but I'll assume


One stop flight = 5 hours

Military punctuality lead time = 1 hour 30 minutes

Drive to Houston airport = 30 minutes

Time Nowak had before Shipman headed to airport = 1 hour

Time before Shipman lands in Orlando = 8 hours


Time Nowak had to pack steel mallet, gloves, bags, knife, map to Shipman's home and adult diapers = 1 hour

Nowak's total trip = 15 hours 30 minutes


Clearly we have an issue of space/time to resolve. Nowak's trip should take over 15 hours, but her victim only gives her eight. Nowak has to drive 963 miles in eight hours.


That's 120 mph. For the whole trip. You mean to tell me no cop in from Texas to East Florida stopped someone who drove an average of 120mph. She had to go faster than that at some points. I find that very implausible, especially given the friendly assumptions I made above. If Shipman were on a direct flight and gave no notice, Nowak had only about 5 hours, putting her drive speed at 193mph. That's a great car and shitty police work. 007 would be jealous.


Then I discovered this fact on the NASA web site


The shuttle "landing speed ranges from 213 to 226 mph"


We know they keep space shuttles in Houston. Nowak is an astronaut. I'm just saying. What if she jacked a shuttle? That would give her plenty of time to acquire the murderous accessories once in Orlando. Damn I'm good!


Then there's the issue of what exactly happened at the Orlando airport:


Captain Shipman told the police that she noticed a woman following her shortly after arriving on a flight from Houston at about 1 a.m. on Monday, when she was waiting for a bus to take her from the terminal to her parking lot to pick up her car. The two women boarded the same bus, she told the police, and got off at the same stop.



At the parking lot, Captain Shipman noticed the other woman was following her, she told the police, and quickly entered her car after hearing "running footsteps" behind her.


Play slasher music here. This is getting more and more like a Kerry Healey ad every minute! Let's see what happened next.


Captain Nowak, with her hood pulled over her head, approached the car window and tried to open the door.



"Can you help me please?" she said to Captain Shipman, according to the affidavit. "My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up and he is not here. I've been traveling and it's late. Can you give me a ride to the parking office?"


That is so devious! She really planned this out, and referring to "her boyfriend" is a nice addition to the storyline.


Captain Shipman said no, but offered to send help, which Captain Nowak declined, asking to use her cellphone instead. Captain Shipman told her the battery was dead.


Shipman was smart. This was clearly some shady ish. Way to think on your feet with the dead battery! I don't know if I could think that fast.


When Captain Shipman would not open the door, Captain Nowak began to cry and said she could not hear Captain Shipman, the affidavit said. When Captain Shipman cracked open the window, Captain Nowak sprayed pepper spray into the vehicle, the authorities said.



Captain Shipman then drove away and summoned the authorities.


Big up to Shipman for driving under the influence of pepper spray. Soldier!! Nowak is serious about this premeditation. She really lured that woman into opening her windows. "I can't hear you!"??? Amazing! If these women can ever reconcile their differences, they should get Oscar nods fo sho.