Special Grammy Analysis from Jason Phillips


Jason Phillips is a friend of mine from back in college. He's actually much funnier than me, but decided not to pursue comedy. He does a big annual email about his Grammy predictions. This year I've decided to share on my blog to give yall a lil' somthin different.


December 8, 2005:

GRAMMY NOMINATIONS CAME OUT THIS MORNING.... I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE NOTICED
BUT I REALIZED THAT I DID NOT SEE MARIAH CAREY AT BURGER KING THIS AM.... I
KNEW RIGHT THEN THAT SOME SHIT WAS GOING DOWN.

I MAY DO A REVIEW LIKE THE OLD DAYS.

Later that day:

I have many more categories to consider, but here's a teaser:

*Record of the Year:*

* *

Will Win: Mariah Carey "We Belong Together"

Should Win: Mariah Carey "We Belong Together"

Where is?: Christina Milian "Dip It Low"

Where is?: Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb "Stranger in a Strange Land"

Where is?: Kanye West "Diamonds from Sierra Leone"

Where is?: Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha"

Let's face it, you loved Mariah's song the first time you heard it. You
probably didn't like it as much the 10 billionth time you heard it last
Tuesday. I mean, for goodness sake, I be waking up in the middle of the
night, mouthing, "I feel all out of my element.... I need you back in my
life, my life. Come back. Come back. Come back. Come back" And then I hit
the high note.

The Gorillaz track is good, but they should be happy to be nominated. Let's
also face it, "Gold Digger" sucks as a single. I'm not sure what people see
in it. As far as Greenday is concerned, the black people know that the
best song on that album is "Wake Me Up When September Comes." F*** George
Bush! If they had nominated that track, that would be my should win pick.

What can you say about Gwen Stefani. She's almost insult-proof. Aside from
the fact that she's as flat as a three month old glass of room temperature
Pepsi, I've never heard anyone say anything negative about her. I also
liked "What You Waiting For?" better than "Hollaback Girl." But I think
this is the year of Mimi so Mariah better get her PDA ready to make her
acceptance speech.

December 9, 2005:

*Best New Artist:*

Will Win: John Legend

Should Win: I guess John Legend
Where is?: Lyfe Jennings
Where is?: Van Hunt

I guess my age is beginning to show because I have no idea who the white
people in this category are. Although, I must say, while I have no beef
with John Legend, I don't see how he is the best artist that came out. And
why is Ciara in this category? What did she do? I know they played that
song about half a billion times this year but still, just because you repeat
something don't make it good.

*Best Female R&B Performance:*

* *

Will Win: Mariah Carey "We Belong Together"

Should Win: Alicia Keys "Unbreakable"

Where is?: Syleena Johnson "Like a Woman"

Where is?: Donna Summer "Power of Love"

Where is?: Leela James "Long Time Coming"

Where is?: Toni Braxton "Please"

I guess I'm just a sucker for nostalgia. Listening to "Unbreakable," I was
like, yeah I used to watch that! If should could have worked in the
Transformers and DIC (you know what I'm talking about) I would say she
should have been up for record of the year. Just kidding, this category is
kind of weak this year. Usually this is a really good category.

As far as Beyonce, I don't acknowledge anything related to "Roll
Bounce." Yeah, let's see what's on the Soul Plane soundtrack that should be nominated and
the soundtrack to The Honeymooners was robbed too. I guess if "We Belong
Together" is the record of the year, then that makes this the R&B
performance too. I'm feeling the Amerie track. I thought she was a 1 hit
wonder but I guess her ass is just to sexy to some executive out
there.

Fantasia can sing but when I heard the song, I was scared as hell, she just kept
shouting at me like I need to leave her alone. I was like, damn girl! I
never even met you, what the f*** I did to you?

*Best Male R&B Performance:*

Will Win: John Legend "Ordinary People"

Should Win: Usher "Superstar"

Where is?: Charlie Wilson "Charlie, Last Name Wilison"

Where is?: Anthony Hamilton "Soulfire"

Let's get the bullshit out of the way. Mario's "Let Me Love You." Really?
Grammy worthy? Really? Next!

Stevie Wonder "So What the Fuss?" I am not a Stevie hater. I love Stevie,
but this was the absolute worst track on the album. When I first saw the
video, I thought, damn! This world is so messed up that it broke Stevie
down and he has no more talent. That's not the case, because the rest of
the album is much better. But this song sucks. I'm sorry. It sucks like a
Hoover.

Jamie Foxx once played Wanda in a skit with Luther Vandross on In Living
Color. Apparently, he was channeling that ugly shit on this track.

So that leaves John Legend and Usher. John Legend will win because he has
more nods, but "Ordinary People" is kind of, well, an ordinary song. I
prefer Usher's interpretation of "Superstar." But then, "Superstar" is such
a beautiful song that it is hard to mess it up. I mean, I be singing it in
the shower and spitting phlegm all over the place and still be like, damn! I
sang good!!!! Clearly, Luther's version is better and Usher sounds a little
whiny in parts, but it's the best of the five. (And yes, I'm dead serious
about Charlie Wilson.)


Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals

* *

Will win: Beyonce and Stevie Wonder "So Amazing"

Should Win: John Legend and Lauryn Hill "So High"

Where is?: Kindred the Family Soul "As of Yet"

Where is?: Patti LaBelle and Ron Isley "Gotta Go Solo"

Destiny's Child's "Cater 2 U".... No patriarchal songs talking
about getting your man's hari care products should win Grammys. Why didn't
they just sing, "I be yo bitch. I be in the kitchen all day suh!"
Zzzzzzzzzz.

Alicia Keys and Jermaine Paul. It's not a bad song, but everytime you hear
it, you think to yourself, damn, I just could have heard Luther and Cheryl
Lynn sing that song. That's not really the way you should think of a
remake. I mean, when you hear Tammi and Marvin sing this song, you still
think, damn, I love Marvin but where is that Luther CD. This is not a knock
on Alicia, this version just suffers too much by comparison.

Beyonce and Stevie singing "So Amazing." They do a better job on their
Luther cover but Stevie did better original work this year on his own album.

However, "How Will I Know" was not the song I had in mind. Why not "If Your
Love Cannot Be Moved" w/ Kim Burrell or "Positivity" with Aisha Morris –
yes, the same damn daughter nominated on "How Will I Know." I hate it when
the Grammy's pick the wrong track. It's like the paperwork was filled out
wrong or something.

By process of elimination, my pick is "So High" by John Legend and Lauryn
Hill. Is Lauryn Hill still crazy? Just asking.

Best Traditional R&B Performance


Will win: John Legend "Stay With You"

Should win: Aretha Franklin "A House Is Not a Home"

Where is?: Lewis Taylor "Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart)"

Where is?: Solomon Burke "Make Do With What You Got"

Where is?: Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings "Naturally"

Where is?: The Reverend Al Green "Everything's OK"

Where is?: Syleena Johnson "He Make Me Say"

Where is?: Leela James "A Change Is Gonna Come"

Where is?: Raphael Saadiq "I Want You Back"

What? Are they going to nominate every track on Mariah Carey's and John
Legend's album. "Stay With You" by John Legend is not particularly special.
Sounds like a throwaway track off a Jerry Butler album. Again, the better
traditional R&B performance on Mariah Carey's album is "Fly Like a Bird" not
"Mine Again." Alicia Keys did a better job on "If I Was Your Woman" on the
studio album. The original tune was raw. Alicia turned it into some sugary
lounge crap on the Unplugged album. Again, when I heard this song, I'm
like, where is my Gladys Knight CD. It's hard for me to resist a good
remake of "Summertime," but that's not the winner here.

I'll lose my mind if somebody say something bad about Aretha Franklin. I'll
kill somebody if somebody start talking about her waffle and chicken joints.
I'll hurt somebody if someone mentions burning down your house for tax
purposes. I'll slap anyone who talks about over singning on Luther's
restrained remake. I ain't got nothin' bad to say about Aretha Franklin,
except the track is a bit too embellished.

Best Urban/Alternative Performance

Will Win: Gorillaz "Dirty Harry"

Should win: Van Hunt "Dust"

Where is?: Martin Luther "Ms. America"

Where is?: Kelis "Milkshake"

Where is?: Utada Hikaru and Timbaland "Exodus '04"

Gorillaz' "Dirty Harry," there is something deeply disturbing about that
video, but the song is good. Same for Mos Def, although I am curios as to
why it is in this category.

And why is "Welcome to Jamrock" in this category. I guess they are talking
broadly. But it's hard to argue with the song itself. Shouldn't it be in
the reggae category with Shabba Ranks, Delly Ranks, Nardo Ranks, Cutty
Ranks, Fragga Ranks, Martin Luther Ranks and all those other Ranks from
Africa.

Floetry's "SupaStar" is tight as well.

Van Hunt's "Dust." What? We are about 5 categories into my rant and this is
the first certifiable classic. It makes sense though because Van Hunt is a
certifiably crazy dude. Anyway, this song also wins my personal "I Hope
Nobody is Recording My Apartment" award because they would see me walking
around in a towel in the morning talking about:

"Oh yes oh yes oh yes, I'm already insane. I am dust blown away over the
edge."

You do it too. Don't front!