I'll Show You a War on Christmas


It almost goes without saying that the greatest quote of 2005 is, "Brownie, you're doin' a heck of a job." But I just read something which was almost as hot. If you haven't paid attention to the television, radio, newspapers, magazines, the blogosphere or podcast world, you might not have heard that America is engaged in four wars right now: The War in Afghanistan, The War in Iraq, The War on Terror and The War on Christmas. Go ahead, Google it.

We liberals have gone too far. Our agenda has promoted the anti-Christian phrase "Happy Holidays" above the preferred "Feliz Cumpleano Jesus." First we free the slaves; then we let women vote; then we let the homos marry and now we attack the baby Jesus. We're horrible people who have declared War on Christmas.

The religious right is really, really angry and are going after schools, demanding they call "Winter Break" "Christmas Break" instead. The biggest targets of their fury have been stores. "Holiday" sales really offend the conservative Christians who insist these be called "Christmas Sales." After all, Jesus died on the cross so we might all be forgiven our sins and save a bundle on plasma screen televisions.

I actually remember that part in the Bible. Jesus is rappin with his homeboys, The Disciples, passing cups of blood and plates with his body and coupons redeemable at Shiloh's Steakhouse. Jesus loved him a bargain, which makes sense because he was Jewish. Oh wow. I never thought of it that way. I must share this theory with my many Jewish friends whose mere existence gives me license to write such inflammatory stereotypes.

"So what's this hot quote?" you ask. Patience, gentle reader. I'm having fun.

The White House is in trouble. It's not because of the three big wars I mentioned first, though. Nooo, the White House, who has close connections with Jesus' dad, recently caught some flack for sending out a generic "Happy Holiday Season" greeting card. People are flippin out over this, throwing away the White House cards, accusing the Bushes of not being Christian enough.

Then I read this:
"I think it's more important to put Christ back into our war planning than into our Christmas cards," said the [National Council of Church's] general secretary, the Rev. Bob Edgar, a former Democratic congressman.

Give it up to Reverend Edgar! Seriously. Stop reading this for a moment, and show some love for the Reverend...

Ok, welcome back.

Conservatives love to make things up way too often. Usually it revolves around some kind of attack by liberals. It's so absurd, I'd prefer if we had fun with it. They say we don't support the troops. They say we undermine family values. Now, they say, we attack Christmas. Well, I say, let's really start doing these things, because at least then the titles would fit.

Next time a soldier comes home from Iraq, send him a big "Fuck You, Troop" card and kick him in the face. We should actively destroy family values: plant lies within our neighbors homes, encourage incest, make kids work while parents spend all day watching TV. And we should really, really, attack Christmas. Let's drop a bomb on a manger in Bethlehem. That's what I call a war on Christmas.

Or we could be these horrible people in another way entirely. Why don't we hate on the troops by sending them, underprepared into an unnecessary war, and then taunt their enemies. Family values? Let's cut food programs for children and put a cap on the minimum wage. Let's destroy family stability by imprisoning everyone we possibly can And Christmas! Oh, this is great. Let's turn that into a gigantic opportunity to buy and sell shit we don't need for people we don't like.

Then we can cave. I'll start right now. Merry Christmas, religious right. This war is over. Only three more left.